


Dib and Squee Down in the Deeps

by Senri



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-20
Updated: 2015-11-02
Packaged: 2017-11-08 04:56:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/439381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Senri/pseuds/Senri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dib is forced to do three hundred hours of community service after a big fight with Zim goes awry.  Adventure follows!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

The damages, post the latest debacle, included: three water towers reduced to slag and steam. The upper half of one very expensive high-rise building melted (luckily the rampage had taken place during the night-time). A public park reduced to flaming playground equipment and splinters that once were trees. An indeterminate number of cars blown to little bits. One public school tremendously defaced (Dib and Zim would have been very popular for that, if they'd been anyone else). A construction crane blown into tinker toys. Several highways shredded like fruit-roll-ups a cat had put its claws through. Decapitation of a historic commemorative statue in another public park five miles away from the aforementioned public park. Five hundred and six trees felled, not including those exploded into toothpicks. The gates of the city stove in. Three elephants in the city zoo dead of heart attacks (very sad). Two thousand nine hundred seventeen people without power or running water until the infrastructure was repaired. Several hundred people more than that very upset in general about all of these things.

The carnage wouldn't have been abnormal, but Zim and Dib got caught that time.

The latter was what led them, finally, to the county courthouse. Zim had gone up first and Dib had had the gloating pleasure of watching him saddled with cleaning out the city's entire sewage system to make up for his bad deeds. 

Of course, Dib's case was open and shut too.

They had already given the worst possible (probably) punishment to Zim. It was with this in mind that Dib faced his own sentence. Conviction was inevitable, but he was still a minor so he didn't have to worry about a permanent record at least. As such Dib stared into the judge's rheumy eyes with a feeling of having not much to lose. 

"Well, sonny, I'm gonna give you a choice now." The judge, a ponderous man with a slablike forehead reminiscent of both gorilla faces and sixties architecture, had been munching on gum throughout the trial and continued chomping away between each word. "We have here a case of serious behavioral misconduct." Chomp. "And you have a record, sonny." Munch. "Now, I consider myself a kindhearted gentleman, so I am going to give you a choice." Slurp. The judge paused. Dib kept on staring right into his face.

"Pick your fate, boy. Choose wisely. You may elect to undergo twen-ty rounds of electroshock therapy plus a possible lobotomization upon finishing treatment, depending on your progress over the regimen. Or you may choose to give three hundred hours of your time to the City Center for Disadvantaged Children What Suffer From the Headworms, in the hopes that this will endow you with an increased community spirit, more respect for community property, and a sense of responsibility as a citizen for our city properties. What'll it be, son?"

He knew it was hopeles, and Dib knew his choice (ugh) would inevitably be the latter – a lobotomy was just too much a risk! But he had to at least try and speak up for himself.

"Everything I _do_ is _already_ community service, uh, your honor! I know the damage to city property was... kind of a lot... but it's all in the name of keeping earth safe by stopping _Zim!_ " Dib flung a gesture towards where his mortal enemy sat sulking and twiddling his thumbs in electrified handcuffs on the courtroom bench. Zim had perked up in interest when the word "lobotomy" appeared and was now watching Dib with his horrible fakey fake blue eyes. Sensing an interjection was nigh, Dib sped up his talking. "Don't tell me you can't see he's an alien! He's got green skin, for crying out loud! And you picked him up wearing a bodysuit made with bizarre alien technology! Come _on!_ "

"RIDICULOUS!" Zim shrieked with insectile outrage. "Our costumes were merely props for... ehhh... a school play!"

"Oh, COME ON!"

"SILENCE! And we were... _practicing!_ Practicing for this _mighty spectacle_ , ooh -"

" _You can't possibly believe that -_ " Dib whipped back around to face the judge and flinched as the gavel thundered down.

"ORDER. Settle down, both you boys." The judge gave Dib a Look. Exactly what kind of a look, it would have taken a long time to put into words, but it was definitely a Look.

"... That's just really dumb, I mean, his excuse, it's dumb," Dib blurted ("IT IS NOT!" That familiar, loathed voice squalled, and then came the sound of irritated grunting as courtroom guards put Zim in his place). Dib smiled ingratiatingly as the judge's face became stiffer and somehow even frownier. "Um, I'll do the community service, please."

And that was that. Bang went the gavel, again. Court adjourned. Dib and Zim were ejected from the premises without further delay.

Membrane sent a chauffeur to take him home, which was some kind of balm at least. A chauffeur was better than having to fight the city bus system. On the other hand, he'd sent one of his floating viewscreens with a prerecorded message in lieu of actually coming himself. A prerecorded scolding, to be precise.

"Property damage to the city is unacceptable, son!" Membrane buzzed over and over. "Especially when it's not in the name of _science!_ Your mech bodysuit privileges are now _revoked!_ "

Dib, who'd had fits biting his tongue and letting other people talk all day, finally burst. "But Dad! This was _for the good of all mankind!_ Who cares about historic statues and city parks and buildings and – and stuff?!"

The recording played over his outburst of course. "Your mech bodysuit privileges are now _revoked!_ "

"It was for PLANET EARTH, Dad!"

"Especially when it's not in the name of _science!_ " And that was the ride home. It was a huge relief to run up th stairs and fling himself onto his bed, lie there groaning and feeling sorry for himself because no one else did and think about how many hours he was losing that he could be using to chase Zim around or search for Pigfeets or finally trap the Garbage Disposal Faeries or other stuff. There was nothing for it now really. His only comfort was that Zim was saddled with an obnoxious job too, and the alien would probably do some techno-cheating feat and get the job done in a tenth of the time Dib would have to work. And then he'd gloat about it. Another setback!

Anyway.

With all that: that was how two days later, Dib found himself on the sidewalk in front of the City Center for Disadvantaged Children What Suffer From the Headworms.

It wasn't so bad, if he but knew. Adventure awaited.


	2. in which two of our titular characters meet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Dib meets Squee and a conversation regarding the paranormal is had, also in which other silly events take place between Dib and a certain green-skinned rival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, I got so stuck on this chapter (and started a new job in a foreign country, which has put a damper on any writing energy I might otherwise have had). Apologies for the long wait, but I hope it reads nicely regardless. Please feel free to offer any criticism you have.

It was commonly said that a journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. Dib had first run across the proverb in a fortune cookie, and it stuck in his head as a cliché and a truism. The very same homily held true in this case: three hundred hours began with five minutes smooth-talking the receptionist (which he could totally handle). Dib went on in, the door jingling as he pushed it open.

"Blech." The first thing he noticed was the smell of stale feet and pocket lint that permeated the room. The second thing he noticed was that apparently Ms. Bitters was working the desk.

Dib froze. Too late. She looked up, the motion accompanied by a sepulchral series of pops as old bones shifted. Her forward-thrust vulture head swung in his direction, and the musty voice ground out: "Yyyeeees?"

"Ms. Bitters," he said in shock. "Uh."

"Are you Dib?"

"Yeah. Uh, I didn't know you worked two jobs." 

"I don't. I have a large family." Her mouth pinched up at him. "I believe you're in my sister's claaass? Yes, I've heard all about you." By the tone he suspected she hadn't heard good things.

“Okay.” He was rendered a little helpless by the surprise (and, all right, the creeping horror) of this. The world did not need more Bitterses. “Um, I'm here to volunteer today. Uh, I'm tutoring someone.”

“Yes you are. I have just the person. The skool released an extensive dossier regarding your history and proclivities. Based on your psychological profiling, we believe you will compliment this young specimen well.” More grinding, the sounds of bones crunching together, and she rose from her swivel chair and glided around the desk. Dib remembered how to walk and scooted after her. They went down a hall, Bitters leading. The rest of the place seemed to be as dingy and smelly as the front – Dib imagined Zim would be raving about the stink, and then thought about Zim crawling through the septic system, knee-deep in dookie and fighting off rabid sewer rats. It was a comforting image. Uplifting.

“Is there a plan I should be following or something?” Dib said lamely. They were really going DEEP into the building. How big was the place?

“Return the child with all appendages attached and you can do what you like. He has all of his shots and his spirit is completely crushed, as it is in all of the children who come to our facility.” Bitters stopped at one door that looked more or less identical to all the others, resting her hand on the doorknob. “The boy is already _doomed_. Your paltry efforts won't cause him any more suffering.”

“Uh, does he have a name?”

Bitters picked him up by the scruff instead of answering. She pulled the door open and tossed him into the room. With his backpack over his shoulder, Dib couldn't turn the fall into a roll; he caught himself on hands and knees instead, wincing.

“You may begin your tutoring session,” Bitters snarled. “Remember, both of you! When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss reaches out its _disgusting_ tendrils into the moist reaches of your brains, and makes a home for itself there!”

The door slammed. Dib got up.

The room wasn't large. It was furnished with a light folding table and chairs, no windows, and fluorescent lights humming overhead. It looked kind of like how someone would decorate an interrogation room. Sitting on one of the chairs, huddled against the backrest really, was Dib's tutee.

He looked about nine. Somehow gaunt, though, even through the baby fat plumping out his cheeks, or under it, maybe – maybe it was the eyes, which were deep-set with dark circles under them, watery brown, and nervous. There was a large metal collar locked around his neck, bizarrely advanced for the room, colored lights blinking around its edge now and again. A lead led from the collar and connected to a loop screwed in the wall.

“Uh, hi,” said Dib.

The kid blinked. He looked like a scared bird flattening down all his feathers, trying not to be noticed. His lips parted; the sound that emerged was tiny, high pitched, utterly petrified.

_”Squee!”_

And that was it: Dib's first meeting with Todd Casil.

\--

First thing, Dib sat down in the other chair, stashing his backpack on the floor. Squee-boy didn't move, except for his eyes, which rolled to follow Dib's every move. Dib pulled out a notebook and pen from his backpack and put them on the table neatly. Then he pulled out a can of lukewarm Poop Cola (he'd been carrying it all day), tapped on the top so it wouldn't blow up in his face, and cracked it open.

Squee-boy jumped at the sound. Dib felt like a monster. He nudged the can carefully across the table, kidwards. “Want some?”

Squee-boy sucked in a rapid breath. Dib withdrew carefully to his side of the table. “You can have it. My name's Dib. What's yours?” No answer. Dib babbled on. “I'm here to tutor you! I guess they didn't tell you that, huh? That's yours, the soda, y'know. I'm going to be working here for, um, a while I guess. Two hours today. I have three hundred hours of community service to do because I go caught giving the class alien a hard time. And uh, doing property damage, I guess.” He pointed at the collar. “Hey, that doesn't look comfortable, want me to take it off? I bet I can.”

He paused just a moment, and really he was ready to take the conversation (such as it was) away again. But Squee-boy opened his mouth and Dib caught himself near reflexively on a breath, and waited.

It came out a whisper: “What?”

“That collar. Uh, want me to get it off?”

“Nnn,” a headshake. A tiny one. “Alien?”

Dib blinked in blank surprise. “Yeah. In my class.”

“Your class?”

“Yeah. He's a jerk.”

Squee-boy stared at him. Dib stared back. There was no jeering or laughing, not even a giggle. Not even an eyeroll. Just those eyes trained on him, and the lights on the collar blinking away.

There was a whole spiel on Zim that Dib had practically memorized. He could whip it out at any occasion. But Dib found himself tongue-tied, instead. He felt like if he got going, he'd drown the kid or something.

“Want me to take the collar off?” he asked instead. Again.

This time, he was rewarded with a nod. Dib hopped off his chair and came around the table. He had to get up close to Squee-boy, right up against his grimy neck, and he was a grimy kid. Dib could see his shirt was kinda threadbare too. His jeans weren't any better. There was a little metal panel on the collar anyway, which Dib flipped up. Presented with a mini-keyboard he took a few minutes to tick away at the keys. It wasn't actually that tough, except the keyboard was small. Looked like there was a whole computer locked away in there. Tap, tap, tap, and the collar cracked open suddenly via the motion of some invisible hinge. A pneumatic kinda _pchooo_. Dib maneuvered the collar off Squee-boy entirely, and then let it drop to bang against the wall. Then felt awkward again. Backed up from the kid who was still frozen in his seat, squeezed his eyes shut and laughed. 

“The headworms did a number on you, huh?”

“I don't have any head worms,” Squee-boy said. “My mommy and daddy sent me here because they don't wanna hire a babysitter and it's free.”

“Haha.” It wasn't really a laugh, just a stupid noise. Dib dropped his hands to his sides. “Hey, why don't we get outta here?”

It wasn't actually hard to leave, as it turned out. Bitters hadn't locked the door and she didn't even look up as they pattered by the front desk, Dib taking swigs of his soda as they went. He could just leave, he'd bet. This kid wasn't gonna say anything to anyone. But now Squee-boy was right at his heels, still following Dib's every move, plus he'd listened about Zim – at least, he hadn't laughed in Dib's face right off. So.

The Practically A Mausoleum for Young Living Children Supposedly With the Headworms, or whatever it was called, actually wasn't in a completely horrible part of the city. It turned out there was a coffee shop down the way. Dib let Squee-boy walk farther away from the road, with Dib on the outside part of the sidewalk. Squee-boy, okay, Squee was easier, Squee was so jumpy that he wound Dib up a lot tighter too.

He was way too young for coffee (and not like the kid needed anything else that would tweak his nerves) but Dib marched him on in and ordered cocoa and a latte anyhow, and two ham and cheese croissants (extra hammy!). They sat near the back of the café. Dib had noticed that Squee watched the other people on the sidewalk, not to mention the other patrons in the café, with obsessive alertness, and he kind of wanted to talk to the kid. On top of all that it looked like Squee could use a meal.

The kid nibbled a bite off the end of his croissant, at least, before Dib couldn't wait anymore and shot a question at him. “You believe me?” Dib couldn't believe it. He wasn't sure what to make of him besides. Dwicky had been the last person to believe him, and that hadn't ended well.

Squee, on the other hand, looked at Dib blankly. “Uh huh.” Another bite nipped off the croissant and washed down with hot cocoa, Dib shifting this way and that, trying not to be too impatient. “They took my mom and dad away and after they came back they sent me to the Crazy House for Boys for a while. They used to try'n kidnap me a lot.”  
A kindred spirit! “I was abducted when I was little, y’know,” Dib said. “Wow, how’d you get out of that? They performed weird experiments on me! Weird experiments I can _barely remember._ Spooky, huh?”

“I told them to take my mom and dad,” Squee said.

“Woah. Uh.”

“Mommy doesn’t love me and she’s always taking pills,” Squee said. “Daddy says I’m the worst mistake he’s ever made and I’m a detriment to the happiness they once knew.”

“Uh.”

Squee slurped at his cocoa. “The crazy neighbor man says not to listen to them. But Shmee says not to listen to him, so I dunno. But Shmee says they deserved the aliens so I guess they say the same thing. Thanks for the cocoa.”

“You’re welcome,” said Dib, completely on reflex. Then babbled on: “There’s an alien in my class, y’know. His name’s Zim and he’s _here to take over the earth._ ”

“Would he enslave the whole earth? I wouldn’t mind if an alien was in charge of the earth. Maybe he’d be nicer than people.”

“Not _this_ guy. He’s just the worst! He’s green and _hideous_ and one time he almost sent me and the rest of the class to a dimension of _pure itching._ ”  
“How’d he send you to another dimension?”

“Oh, he didn’t, I fixed it.”

“How’d he almost?”

“Um, he used a wormhole. I saved my whole class! It was pretty great.”

“Shmee says you’re telling the truth,” said Squee.

“Um, who’s Shmee?”

“He’s my bear.” Squee stared at him with watery blue eyes. They pierced right into Dib’s head, daring him to laugh, snort, do – anything. “He helps keep me safe.”

Dib took a long drink of his latte. He thought about the lice lady and how he’d laughed at her, and put the coffee back down on the table with care.

“Are you sure it’s not possessed?”

“He must be good if he is,” Squee said. “He’s usually right.”

“Well, that’s… lucky. That you got him looking out for you.”

“I think maybe I’d have died if he didn’t. Or gone crazy.” Squee took another serious bite off his croissant. “He says that’s what he’s there for. To soak up all my potential crazy.”

“Wow, that’s rough.”

Squee shrugged, dropping the croissant to take another sip of his cocoa.

“Do you need any help with anything?” Dib felt compelled to ask. “I’m here to tutor you.”

“Not really,” Squee said, with another tiny shrug of his narrow shoulders. “I hate skool. But at least if I’m here I’m not at home.”

“Do you believe in ghosts?” Dib blurted, feeling a sudden panicked wave of wanting to forestall whatever uncomfortably cynical thing this kid who was younger than him seemed  
ready to say.

“Yeah, one lives in my room.”

“Woah, you talked to her?”

“Yeah.”

“Woah. How’d she die?”

“She choked on a McBloaty’s Blissmeal toy,” Squee said. “She says someday when I inevitably join her in the afterlife we can play. Sometimes I sleep on the sidewalk cuz of her.”

“Woah. Uh, you want an exorcism done sometime?”

That piercing, watery-eyed stare again. Very seriously, Squee’s head bobbed up and down, going nod, nod, nod, nod, nod.

\--

Dib walked to the bus stop that was closest to the City Center for Disadvantaged Children What Suffer From the Headworms to get home with sort of conflicted feelings. He hadn't expected to actually like the kid he was tutoring, and it was some kind of windfall of unexpected awesomeness that the kid actually knew what he was talking about when it came to the supernatural! Nothing this good ever happened to him.

It was hard not to think about how scared the kid looked, though. His little hands weedling over each other and his eyes clamped on Dib's face, watching him like a hawk. Dib knew that look: watching for a laugh, or a smack. He felt... anxious, maybe. It was harder to leave than he expected.

He didn't have his bus card, it figured, so Dib dug around in his pockets til he had the correct change and bought his way into the aisle. He was so distracted thinking about Todd as he went towards the back of the bus that he didn't even notice the flexible, jointed spike of metal rising up over the back of a seat until it lashed out, caught him around the waist, and dragged him into the seat.

“- ZIM!” He flailed away! And nearly fell backwards into the aisle with Zim having let him go already, the alien backing up against the side of the bus with his jackboots on the seat, eyes narrowed. 

“ _Ksssss_.” The perfect knee-jellifying hiss. If Dib hadn't heard it all before he might have been scared. Zim put his feet off the seat and got close to Dib again, the bus jumping as it took off from the curb. “Quiet, Dib- _stink_! Sit with Zim and tell him what you're up to.”

Dib scooted away and sat on the edge of the seat, as far from Zim as he could really get. He folded his arms and glowered at the alien. He could be so annoying sometimes! “Uh, weren't you in the courtroom? You heard what they're making me do! I wasn't _up_ to anything.”

“LIES.”

“Shhh! Do you want to get us thrown off the bus?” Dib rolled his eyes. That had happened more than once before. “I don't wanna walk home.”

“Ehh, better thrown off than strapped in with the rest of your dis _gus_ ting race. You stay there. Block out the rest of them with your head.”

“Why are you even here? You didn't have to take the bus at all!”

“I told you, human! I want to know what you're up to! I saw you with that tiny smeet, _talking_ to him, hours and hours! That wasn't _homework_ , was it, _Diiiib?_ ” Zim paused. “ZIM HAS ASKED ABOUT YOUR DAY. Ask how Zim's day went! It was _horrible._ Thanks for asking!”

“ _Qui-et,_ you'll get us kicked out, _again._ ” Dib paused. Rolled his eyes. “I didn't even ask about your day! God, who decided you were presentable in public?”

“My loving human mo-ther told me I looked delectably attractive by all human standards this morning, of course, you little monster.” Zim even made air-quotes around the word “mother.” At least nobody was looking at them, with all Zim's yelling. Then again, it was the city bus, and not a repository of social functionality. But how did no one else notice this kid was an alien again?

“Whatever.” Dib gave it up as a bad job and folded his arms, glaring out the window around Zim's head for a minute. A minute, before Zim leaned forward and grimaced at Dib. “For how many hours are you obligated to slave yourself to society? Hehh?”

“You really weren't listening,” Dib grumped. “Three hundred, Zim! I guess you cheated your way out of your own job already, huh, space-boy?”

“Ask _not_ about my job, Dib, unless you want to hear the saga of the sewer-dwelling mutant platypus society and their symbiotic relationship with... hnnngh... _dookie..._ ”

“Oh, man.” Dib actually had to snicker. “That bad, huh?”

“Quiet!” Zim folded his own arms across his front, jutting his jaw out aggressively and sulkily in Dib's direction. Then slouched back against the seat, still giving Dib the same suspicious deadeye stare. “Don't think I don't know you're hiding things, human.”

“Do they have chill pills on the armpit planet that spawned you, Zim?”

“NO! They don't!” Always with the dramatics! That yell made Zim flail up again, black-gloved fist quivering in front of Dib's nose, before he fell back and just glowered at Dib sulkily. Dib for his part ignored it and bent down to dig his book out of his backpack. Murakami's A Wild Sheep Chase. He'd read it before, but he liked the humor and the hero's search for his old friend, as he confronted an inexplicable force outside of humanity. It was a lot easier to pass time on the bus if he was reading anyway, and easier to ignore Zim glaring a hole in him, apparently thinking Dib would cough up all his secrets if he was stared at long enough. It wasn't happening!

The ride did go by fast, anyway. Dib hustled to get his book put away when Zim shoved at his shoulder at their stop, grabbing his backpack and shoving at Zim with the alien climbing right over him. They ran out of the bus without even getting yelled at, slowing down on the sidewalk mutually without even talking about it, governed by long acquaintance and rituals established over years of being ferocious rivals.

It was a little farther from Dib's house than Zim's, but it was an area of truce, mutually protected from both of them by dint of being a restaurant each of them liked: EAT!!!! CHINESE!!!!, eight exclamation points emphatically included in the name. Zim and Dib were regulars. 

Zim shoved his way into the restaurant first, a happy jingle playing as he threw the door open and goose-stepped over to their usual booth. Dib followed more casually, covering up a yawn (it was the damn late-afternoon snoozies) with his backpack swung over his shoulder. Dib jumped into the seat opposite of Zim and rested his elbows on the table.  
Zim was still glaring. Dib stared right back, gave it a beat, and smiled provokingly, as big as he could, with all of his teeth. He gave it a second and then – yup. “Kssss, Dib. _Dib..._ Diiiiiib. Dib, Dib... _Dib._ DIB.”

“What?” He said it through his teeth, keeping the smile on his face.

“ _Diiiiiiiib..._ DIB. Diiiiib...”

“Uh huh?”

“Dib. Dib DIB _Diiiiiiib._ _DIB..._ ”

“ _What?_ ”

“Hmh?” Zim stared at him.

“You were just yelling my name!”

“No I wasn't!”

“Yes you were, ten times I swear - “ Dib gave up in the face of Zim's blank stare. “You weirdo. Just order your food.”

“Mmh. Ah. EGG ROLLS! BRING ME EGG ROLLS, HUMAN WAGE SLAVE!” He screamed towards the back where the people worked. Dib smacked his hand over his face and let it slide down. He had long known Zim was an embarrassment. But it was a normal thing here. The workers glared, but always filled the order.

“Um,” Dib rallied, “Sizzling rice soup for me please! And crab rangoon.” He turned back to Zim, who was drumming his heels boredly against the underside of the booth. “What's your deal, space boy?”

“Heh?”

“What's wrong with you?”

“NOTHING! Quiet, you beast-smelly human. Tell Zim all your plans.”

“I can't be quiet if I'm telling you my plans - “

“QUIET!”

Dib snickered. Zim glared. “Tell me your plans! NOW!”

“I thought you wanted me to be quiet.”

“I’ll take pleasure in raining fiery devastation down on your house in particular,” Zim hissed.

“Yeah, yeah, tell me something I don’t know,” Dib said, and then raised one shoulder in an eminently don’t-care shrug. “I dunno. It’s pretty boring. It’s kind of a complete waste of my time working there when I could be exposing paranormal phenomena to the populace.”

“Ehh, really? Well, GOOD. It is fitting that your suffering should be vast!” Zim sat back in his booth, folding his arms and looking utterly pleased.

“Yeah, yeah.” Dib was saved from further repartee by the arrival of the waitress, who plonked egg rolls in front of Zim and his dual order in front of Dib. He took a moment out to appreciate the hiss of crunchy rice hitting hot broth as she fixed his sizzling rice soup good to go, and then Dib felt lucky that Zim got quieter when he ate. With the croissant and coffee he’d noshed earlier, Dib didn’t actually feel that hungry, but EAT!!!! CHINESE!!!!’s soup really couldn’t be passed up.

Besides, watching Zim eat egg rolls was entertainment in itself. He snarled through his food, dousing each egg roll literally in sauce and gnashing his zipper-like teeth through hot pork and sliced vegetables. Dib slurped his soup and mentally ticked off a bingo list of expressions. There was the that-egg-roll-was-too-hot face, there was the that-egg-roll-had-something-that-wasn’t-PORK-in-it face, there was the that-egg-roll-had-TOO-MUCH-pork face.

They were pretty quick eaters. Zim shoved his plate of egg rolls across the table towards Dib after maybe ten minutes, with Dib picking his way through the crab rangoon. “For YOU, stench beast,” he shouted. “Yes! Eat with glee, my leavings are yours!”

“Uh, yuck. No thanks.” Dib rolled his eyes for the ten-zillionth time that night. “I’ve still got food, check it out.”

“You’ll consume my pork leftovers and like it!” Zim snarled at Dib dramatically, and then – canted his head to the side. Abruptly sly, chainsaw voice dropping to a smooth purr. “I hope you’re ready to give tonight your all, Dib-filth. I have so much prepared for you to suffer through. _So much._ ”

“Okay, um,” Dib glanced side-to-side. Luckily the restaurant was mostly empty. “Hey, is anyone else hearing the freaky alien threatening my –“

“DIB!” Zim threw out an arm, pointed with a shaking fist over Dib’s shoulder. “WHAT IS _THAT?_ ”

Like an idiot, of course Dib looked. And then kicked himself a second after as there was nothing, he turned around and – the booth across was empty, the bells on the door merely jingling in the aftermath of Zim’s scarper.

“What the heck, he left me with the _bill!_ ” Dib stood up in a flail, digging for his wallet and throwing a twenty on the table. That’d cover it plus some – there was no time to waste getting change! He leaped off the chair and raced for the door himself.

Tonight’s battle wouldn’t just be for the fate of the earth. He’d be sure to make Zim cover _his_ check next time!


	3. in which interactions are established

Skool next day was a boring nightmare, as usual, but there was a bright light at the end of the tunnel for a change: the knowledge that he would be seeing Todd at the end of it. Dib tapped his pencil on his desk through math, language arts, and art class, ignoring the low growls bubbling up from Ms. Bitters’ chest in his direction. He was too busy thinking about what he’d be up to after skool, and marveling at how he felt… cheerful! About the future! He was looking forward to seeing Todd!

That had never happened before. At least, not that he could remember. Todd was kind of younger than him, but they had a lot in common and that was nice. Plus, he wanted Dib to help out and it felt good to be needed. 

The bell for the day _finally_ let them all out and Dib brushed off all the spitballs clinging to the back of his head with one irritated sweep of his hand. He craned an arm around and ripped off the “kick me” sign Zim had stuck to his back before anyone had the opportunity to take him up on the offer. With the ease of long practice he slipped by the bullies and evaded the booby trap Zim had rigged in his locker. “Ha ha, nice try, space boy!” he yelled at his nemesis, feeling happy. “Don’t you have something better to do? Like rolling around in raw sewage all afternoon?”

“DIIIIB,” Zim screeched back, gratifyingly irate as usual, “I will use that raw sewage to replace your BRAAAAAIN because it will make no DIFFEREEEENCE!”

Laughing, Dib ran away. He’d probably pay for the taunt but then he could get his own back with interest, and that wasn’t so bad! He walked Gaz to the bus stop, telling her excitedly about Todd as he went. “And he’s only about yay high,” holding up a hand at waist-height to indicate, “and his parents don’t love him, and he’s gotta be the most cynical little kid I’ve ever even talked to. But I think you’d like him.”

“Go _away_ , Dib,” Gaz grouched. “If you made a friend, does this mean you never have to talk to me again?”

It made him sigh but he waved the bus away anyhow, and then slipped off school grounds to go and catch the city bus that would take him to the Institute for Unfortunate Sprogs blah blah Headworms.

Even the ride wasn’t so bad, even the Ms. Bitters clone at the front desk was passable. Dib even waved to her, ignoring the seething hiss that whistled out from between her teeth when he dared to make the gesture – how did they make that noise? How many Bitterses were there? Were they even human? All things to think about. He bounded down the hall without needing her to guide, anyway, and threw the door open and beamed even as Todd went _yeek_ at a very high pitch.

“Hey there, Todd! You ready to do some _supernatural_ things today? No? Soon?”

Todd shook his head a little, hands curled up in front of his chest, eyes wide.

“Well…” Dib deflated just slightly. “Soon, anyway! You wanna get out of here?”

This time, Todd nodded.

The beeping collar tied to the wall was an even easier snap today and Dib grabbed the kid by the hand. “Let’s get a snack and then go to the park.” He led the way to the same café as yesterday first, ordered for both of them and paid, and Todd bit into his croissant and actually smiled a little, which Dib felt counted as a big ol’ victory now that he had seen a bit of how washed out and scared and squeaky the kid was almost all the time otherwise.

“You wanna hear about some of my _adventures?_ ” he asked, when only crumbs were left of the croissants and they were both finishing off their drinks.

“I guess so,” Todd said, and then added: “They aren’t too scary, are they?”

“Umm… well… I guess they might be _kinda_ scary. But earth always wins in the end! And, y’know, I’m still okay. I could tell you about the time… about the time Zim stole a bunch of internal organs but everything was okay in the end?”

“ _Squeee…_ ”

“Okay, uh, maybe not. What about the time Zim mutated our class pet into a giant walking tool of destruction and I helped him defeat it?”

“What kind of pet what it?” Todd eeked out.

“A hamster. Cute little guy, at least before Zim got to it.”

“I like it when hamsters and cute things are okay…” Todd blinked his big watery eyes. Ultra-Peepi had definitely not ended up okay. 

“I could tell you about – “ If Todd did not like scary things, Dib’s trip to the spooky dimension with Zim where he’d fought nightmare versions of everyone he knew was definitely not on. “Umm… hm. Err…” He chewed on his lip. “One time I saw bigfoot in my garage. He was using the belt sander.”

“What’d he need to use the belt sander for?” Todd wondered. “… What’s a belt sander?”

“It’s this power tool that you use to make wood smooth. But only at first, because I guess it can really rip it up?” Dib shrugged. He wasn’t a woodworker. In fact, he wasn’t even sure why they had a belt sander. “And I guess bigfoot likes woodworking. I wanted to take a couple pictures but he, uh, ate my film. But then he gave me this neat little model boat he made and sometimes he comes back around and uses our power tools. He gives me Christmas presents!”

“Is he nice?” Todd looked absolutely amazed. His giant eyes were trained right on Dib, and there wasn’t a trace of skepticism on his face. It sure was a nice change.

“Uh… you know, for a giant, furry monstrosity, I guess he sure is,” Dib had to admit. “He just won’t let me take any pictures…”

Which he could understand… kinda… mostly.

“Too bad,” Todd shrugged, and lifted his cup to drain the last of the concentrated cocoa gloop.

“Yeah,” Dib shrugged in turn. He was kind of used to disappointment by now. “At least all supernatural things aren’t evil entities that are out to get everyone, you know?”

“I wish I could meet some nice monsters,” Squee said, melancholy. “Most of the ones I meet are scary.”

“Yeah? Like how?”

“Like… one time there was a _giant_ dust mite and I found it in my pillow.” Todd stared at Dib very seriously. “Dust mites are so scary. They’re all over the place, crawling around, even in your eyelashes… eee!” The little squeak Todd let out made Dib jump too. “Crawling around, I bet they go in and out of your ears and into your brain!”

“Woah, calm down, little buddy,” Dib said hastily. “We’re safe from dust mites here.”

“No we’re not.” Super-serious. “They’re in your hair and on your skin… and there was a big old one in my pillow! All stuffed in there, so scary… it was so big… and I killed it but she told me she laid eggs in my head! And then they hatched and all the babies crawled out of my ears… they live in my bed now and in the night I can hear ‘em singing…”

Well.

Dib could see how that would be terrifying.

He nodded slowly, anyway. He figured he owed the kid at least this much credibility. Giant weird dust mites, sure. He’d definitely seen weirder things in his time as a paranormal investigator. “No dust mites here.” He tried to sound reassuring. “You wanna go to the park?”

Todd did.

-

It was a medium-length bus ride away. They sat together quietly, ignored by all other passengers. It was kinda nice taking a ride with someone other than Zim sitting next to him. Dib twiddled his thumbs and watched people, and Todd looked out the window, until they hit their stop.

The park itself wasn’t the most beautiful place in the city but it was big enough and actually kinda woodsy, with sad droopy trees growing around and brownish-green grass. There was a swingset with most of the swings not even broken, and a merry-go-round that somehow hadn’t been declared a hazard to the unbroken necks of children everywhere, a see-saw and a slide. Dib was a big fan of the swings so he took them both that way. “You wanna?” he remembered to ask, being the considerate big kid. “I can push you.”

“Uh huh,” Todd nodded, but he turned down the offer to be pushed. He sat on the seat and kicked his legs back and forth, leaned forward and back, all skin and bones but swinging himself into flight nevertheless. Dib sat watching him just to make sure he was okay. He definitely was, and one Dib was sure the kid could handle himself he kicked until he was soaring too. The swings were always a good place to think, definitely his favorite piece of playground equipment.

Eventually some other kids showed up to play, too. Dib kept an eye on them, but there was no one he recognized from skool, which was good. He didn’t want to try and explain Todd or run _both_ of them away and he could just see some meanspirited meathead trying to hammer his tiny friend’s face in. Skoolyard thugs were so gross.

Eventually he did spot someone he would recognize from ten miles away, swinging or not. Dib dragged his feet on the ground to stop and then just stayed sitting on the swing, glaring and getting ready. Todd stopped pumping at that, and let himself swing to a halt, as Zim marched on over to them, dumb head cocked back and jaw pushed out like a rudder steering him towards the both of them.

“That’s him,” Dib said quietly to Todd, before Zim was in range to hear them. “The alien.” Then he scowled as fiercely as he could, and raised his voice. “What makes you think you’re allowed to show your face around here, alien scum?”

“AS THE FUTURE RULER OF THIS PLANET,” Zim yelled, “I can show my face wherever I want! If you had a single brain cell dinking around in that gargantuan empty skull of yours, _DIB,_ you’d know that!”

“HA,” Dib said, and then jerked his thumb in Todd’s direction. “Holy poop! You just declared yourself future earth dictator in front of another human! Is that a super alien thing to do or what, Todd?”

Todd, who apparently hadn’t expected to be brought into the conversation, made an eeping noise and almost went tumbling backwards off his swing.

“NON… sense,” Zim’s eyes flickered this way and that. “It is because I wish to be earth president! President of all I survey, including you, stinky slime child! An earth president can go wherever he wants!”

“What do you think, huh?” Dib said to Todd. “Is he an alien or what, huh?”

“Uhh… uhhhhh…” Maybe it wasn’t so good to bring the kid into this. He looked like he might implode into nothingness from the pressure of the air, and also the pressure of Zim and Dib’s pure, totally serious ANIMOSITY, all around him. But Dib waited, anyway, grinning at the kid when Todd’s eyes rested on him for more than a split second. With Dib, defender of earth, a human child was totally safe!

“Green skin is pretty weird and alien,” was what his friend worked out of his mouth eventually. “I don’t think most humans have green skin.”

“HNH?” Zim leaped backwards, eyes huge. “No! No, sticky child thing, I am completely human! There is so much human in me! If you need proof, look at my neck! Listen to how much I love… CORN!”

“It’s okay if you’re a nice alien,” Todd said. “But not if you’re a mean alien who wants to be mean to other people.”

“Ha, hear that, Zim? You’re totally the meanest alien that’s ever lived.”

“You know nothing, Dib! Zim is the most magnanimous and generous possible ruler humanity could hope for. _Ksss._ ” The alien in question glared, and then transferred his glare over onto Todd, who went _squee_ , predictably. “Pay no mind to the words of this wormbaby! He’s crazy, yanno.”

“I am _not_.”

“They told me I was crazy too.” Todd nodded. “I dunno... green skin is pretty alien… if you’re an alien that’s not good… but if you’re a nice alien it’s okay…”

“Zim is SO nice!” Predictably, he went right for the opening as Dib whacked himself in the face. How hadn’t he seen that coming?! “So nice… ehh… I’ll PROVE it! Come, wormbabies! To the Chinese restaurant! Would an _alien_ eat Chinese food? Would an _alien_ buy you an after school snack?”

“Hey, WAIT, hold on here – “ Dib opened his mouth. Then closed his mouth. This might be the perfect opportunity to get back the money he’d wasted covering Zim’s bill! He grinned. “… no, wait, _sure._ That’s awfully generous of you, Zim. Who’d have thought?”

The look he got in return for the sudden change of pace was very _suspicious_. Still, Zim had made the offer and all Dib had done was accept it, so he couldn’t back out now.

“Okay,” Dib got it together enough to dole out orders. “C’mon, Todd. Time for Chinese food.”

“U-uhm, are you sure –“

“COME ALONG, tiny squeaky human! A feast of glorious _snacks_ awaits you! And, _ksss_ , the Dib.” Zim made a vile face in his direction. “Truly I am a friend… to all humans… including this sticky, stinky little child right here…”

He made to bump an elbow in Dib’s ribs, presumably in a ‘friendly’ way. Dib immediately jumped clear, grinning back and showing as many teeth as he could manage. “Oh, goody! I can’t wait!”

So the three of them marched on towards EAT!!!! CHINESE!!!! It seemed like Zim really had decided that staying on his behavior was the best option, and he made conversation, such as it was, as they walked. “SO, little wormchild,” he said, baring all his teeth in his zipper-like grin, trying to schmooze and landing somewhere nearer to “creepy animatronic figure” than “friendly older person” in how he came across. “What… eh… do you STUDY? What are your particular areas of… EXPERTISE?”

“I don’t have expertise yet,” Todd managed back. His words came out kind of quiet and all quickly pushed together, but he was hanging in there like a champ! “I’m too young for that. But, um, I study everything. Math and history and books, and things like that.”

“ENJOY your days of RELAXATION AND YOUTHFUL INNOCENCE NOW,” Zim shouted. “For our GRADESKOOL is a pit of stench and hellish torments unlike any you have experienced thus far. I don’t doubt!”

“I dunno. My teacher’s Ms. Bitters, and she’s pretty mean.”

“No? Henh – OUR teacher is Ms. Bitters. You must be mistaken.” Zim squinted a big eye at the kid, perplexed.

“There are more Bitterses on heaven and earth than existed in our philosophies,” Dib butted in, “Or something.”

“Who asked you, DIB? Krrr…”

“Her sister works at the Headworms Institute,” Todd nodded. “I seen her. They look like sisters…”

“I thought it was her cousin?” Dib said. Todd shrugged.

“Hmm, mmm… NO MATTER. We’re here!” Zim threw the doors to EAT!!!! CHINESE!!!! open, his human companions trailing him in. “Sit. SIT! Wage slaves! Bring us egg rolls!”

“He _really_ loves the egg rolls here,” Dib said to Todd as they made their way to a booth. “Pretty weird, since he doesn’t like human food – “

“I LOVE human food. Nonsense! Don’t listen to his nonsense!” Zim barked. “I love all human things! I love the skool lunch… I love traffic… I love fire hydrants, weenies, and… homework!”

“Wow,” said Todd. “Even _I_ don’t like all those things. Well, weenies are okay…” He tilted his head, considering.

“That’s totally weird, Zim! Humans hate traffic! And who can you honestly tell me likes the skool lunch? That’s totally something an alien would say!” 

“It is NOT. Why would they feed it to you smelly children if it wasn’t… a balanced… healthy meal… meant to grow you all into perfect wage slaves like those we see here? HEHH?”

“Look at him,” Dib whispered to Todd. “He can’t even make the words come out. He can’t say that lunch is healthy. He hates human food!”

“I dunno,” Todd shrugged. The conversation was briefly interrupted as the ‘wage slave,’ as Zim called him, sullenly slid plates of piping hot egg rolls in front of each diner. Todd’s eyes dilated. He picked up an egg roll and plunged it into the sweet and sour sauce on the side and then bit off half of it, hissing a little at the heat. He sure had been into all the food Dib had got him! “Woah, take it easy,” Dib said, patting him on the back before digging into his own egg rolls. The ones from EAT!!!! CHINESE!!!! really were the best he’d ever tasted.

Zim chowed through his own food like a wood chipper, wild expressions accompanying as usual. Dib ate slowly, enjoying the chance to observe his enemy… and feeling a little weird about how, woah, how COMPANIONABLE it all felt. Like they were all friends and it wasn’t totally weird and abnormal to be eating together! “Huh,” he said to himself. Zim the amount of egg rolls he normally made it through and shoved the rest towards Todd instead of Dib this time.

“EAT, tiny creature,” he said, studying black-gloved knuckles as if he didn’t notice what he’d just done. “You need protein and nutrients to grow into a proper earth slave specimen.”

“Normal humans don’t call each other _slaves_ ,” Dib couldn’t resist saying. “Jeez, Zim, if you want to fit in as a human, you should figure that much out.”

Zim inhaled, undoubtedly gearing up for a witty retort, when Todd giggled a little bit. The sound surprised both Dib and Zim so much the argument was immediately dropped as they both turned and stared at the new kid, who went red and ducked a bit under the scrutiny. He chewed on his egg roll like he was expecting it to explode in his throat, or something else terrible to happen. After a second Zim let out his usual irate hiss and Todd flinched.

Well, that wasn’t okay. Dib leaned closer and whispered to him, “Don’t worry, he just does that because it sounds super scary and he knows it.”

“I DON’T know what SLANDER this worm has been feeding you,” Zim yelled, “but you SHOULDN’T BELIEVE HIM. Not now! Not ever!”

“Oh, whatever, Zim,” Dib couldn’t resist, “You’re totally a softie for tiny things, don’t even lie.”

“SHUT UP! Shut up!” The alien’s eyes twitched independently of each other and Dib forgot the remainders of his food to watch in fascination. Beside him Todd sank into the seat even futher and let out a tiny _eeeee_.

“Woah, cool it, Zim. Indoor voice. You have to be polite in a restaurant or you’ll get kicked out – “

“ _Zim is a fearsome example of an Irken soldier and is to be utterly feared -_ ”

“- and you’re scaring Todd,” Dib finished.

“EH? He’s fine. The only one who should be truly afraid here, _Dib_ , is you.” Zim jabbed a black claw in his direction. “ _Ohhhh_ the fear you should feel…”

“Don’t be scared, Todd, I fight with him all the time.”

“TODD, huh? What kind of wormbaby name is that? He should get a name that fits him! What about that little noise he’s always making, huh? That tiny _squeee-!_ ” A cackle escaped Zim. His shoulders shook. “So funny!”

“Hey, you’re being mean now,” Dib said, indignant. He didn’t expect Zim to be anything but mean to him, of course, but Todd was another story. “Be nice to him.”

“Or what, Dib? _Make me!_ ”

“Oh, make you? Maybe I _will._ How about that?” Dib _grinned._

“ _We’ll see…_ ” Zim hissed. Satisfaction and anticipation practically oozed off of him; he lowered his head and grinned. The stance was familiar; Dib had seen it before when Zim got ready to fight, or do something particularly diabolical, so he tensed – and then jumped when Zim raised his hand and _slapped_ the money owed down on the table.

Whew, okay. That was fine. He made himself settle down and grinned back, not to be outdone by Zim’s intimidation tactics.

“ _Now,_ ” Zim said with a leer, “Let’s see who’s _truly_ the superior being…”

Dib was about to agree wholesale to the battle when – “Uh, wait,” he said. “Hold the phone. I’ve gotta get Todd home.”

Zim sat back, abruptly deflated. “Seriously? Ehh…” He gave the tinier human a look that was almost _jealous_. “Well… SEE TO IT, Dib! Quit your lollygagging! I have _plans_ for you to mess your humans pants at when you see them…”

“Gross,” Dib said, feeling cheerful. “Okay, Todd, let’s go.” 

The two humans left together, Zim hunched in the booth, glaring after the both of them. All in all this community service gig wasn’t turning out too bad, and it seemed like Zim had totally given up pretending he was a human around Todd. That was kinda interesting, he didn’t stop faking too often.

“So, see you tomorrow?” Dib said to the kid once they were back at the Home for Headworms Children. Or whatever it was called. He was feeling pretty happy, looking forward to going toe to toe with Zim and also to the next day, which surprised him!

Todd nodded and actually let out the tiniest and wateriest of little smiles when he looked up at Dib. “It was pretty okay today,” he said. “Thanks for the food. It was great. Your friend sure is funny.”

“Ugh-!” So, Dib took issue to that one point, and whacked his hand across his face to demonstrate. “No way, he’s not my friend.”

Wan again, Todd shrugged, but waved Dib goodbye when he got back on the bus. Dib settled in for the ride feeling a weird and unfamiliar sensation in his chest. He wondered if Zim had poisoned his food somehow-! Or implanted nanites again! Or – no, he realized, that wasn’t it. None of those things. He felt happy, that was it, and it had been long enough since he felt that way he’d almost forgotten what it was like.

Weird.

It felt like he had stuff to look forward too. 

And, indeed, a happy week and a half of spending time with Todd, fighting Zim, and battling through school and homework later, he was standing in Squee’s bedroom at last, geared up with his paranormal investigation equipment, ready to perform an exorcism.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Abandoned? Nope! Not this time. Sorry the update took so long, though.
> 
> Also sorry for a slow chapter - we're in establishing-character-relations mode here. The next chapter will have more action.


	4. in which an exorcism is performed

“You’re my assistant,” he said cheerfully to Todd, who sat on his bed, stuffed bear clutched in his twiggy arms, giant watery hazel eyes locked on Dib. “But don’t worry! I won’t give you any actually, you know, scary stuff to do. You can just say yes or no when I ask you questions! Check it out!” He did a little turn so Todd could admire him all geared up to deal with ghosts, aliens, zombies, werewolves, and anything else spooky that dared show its face! OoooOOOOooo! Then he pointed.

“Spooktrometer! Measures the ambient levels of spooky in a given location!” The needle on the spooktrometer, strapped to his side, wavered mysteriously around the number 42. “I gotta say, you have a way higher concentration of ambient spookiness than you should. I’m glad you called me in!”

Dib paused. “Spooktrometer. Yeah. Check! And this here is the paranormometer! It works kind of like a thermometer, so, you get the name, right? Eheh. It measures how many paranormal particles are around. That’s kind of like temperature, but instead of mercury, you see this here?” The paranormometer was filled with some kind of milky grey fluid, and currently riding high on its meter. “It’s filled with ectoplasm sucked out of a ghost. Spooky, huh?”

“What’s the difference?”

“Huh? Oh.” Dib paused, and scratched his head. A real question! That was kinda neat. “I guess… the spooktrometer is good to have around, but spooky places don’t necessarily have paraparticles floating around. You only get paraparticles if there are ghosts and freaky supernatural things happening, besides it just being plain spooky.”

“Why d’you gotta carry both and not just the paramometer?”

“Eh, well… it never hurts to have a backup. Some spooky things aren’t just spooky, they’re mean.” It seemed like if Todd kept going, Dib was going to get him scared, and he didn’t really want to do that. There was no reason for it, after all! Dib was gonna take care of everything. So, he went on: “Paranormometer, check!” After the silliness that was explaining those two instruments, he decided to wait on explaining the ectoplasmeter.

He’d also brought some sage, matches, some white glue that dried clear, and a big tin of salt along, of course. As well as garlic, a crucifix, a few other religious symbols because it never hurt, an Ouija board, and his trusty magnifying glass! Clad in a sturdy spookiness-combating suit, with comfy boots on his feet… “All right, I’m never gonna be more ready now. Are you ready, little guy?”

“I guess so…”

“Okay, come help me Ouija.”

Squee hesitated a moment, then hopped off his bed and came nearer while Dib set up the board. He plunked the bear down beside him. Dib hadn’t got a read for anything weird from the bear, but… eh… well, there was a high concentration of paraparticles in Todd’s room, anyway. Even his sensitive top-of-the-line gear might not be able to pick up on something out of the ordinary in here. There was just too much concentrated weirdness in the room!

“How do you do it?” Todd said nervously, fiddling with his fingers.

“Okay.” Dib was setting up candles around them now. He could set them up perfectly just by eyeballing where they should go. He was a champion Ouija-er. “First, let’s set up the circle… then, we’re gonna call her up and see why little Miss Ghosty is hanging around and won’t pass on. Not all ghosts are evil, yanno! Some of them are just hanging around for… reasons.”

Dib had met some pretty darn irrational spirits in his time. But he hurried along. “Then, I’ll talk to her a little bit… then we’ll get her going! That’s what the sage is for. You’ll see!”

“Are you sure the fire is safe? I heard at skool fires aren’t safe to have.” This as Dib lit the candles around them.

“Aw, well… sure, little guy. But don’t sweat it, I know what I’m doing! I’m an expert at this kind of stuff.” Dib sat back and gave the kid a thumbs-up.

“Ummm, okay…” Todd didn’t look completely reassured… but, well. He was a nervy little guy. He’d probably feel better when the paraparticle concentration in his room decreased.

Dib put the planchette on the Ouija board as he was accustomed to doing. Then he scooted closer so that the board was balanced at four points, resting on their knees – they were sitting cross-legged, directly across from each other, but the board at an angle so they could both see the letters. “Be ready to help me,” said Dib. “This might go pretty fast.”

Then he started the ritual.

“Oooo, spirit,” said dramatically. “Oooh, lost soul… heed my call!”

In spite of the fact that the room was breezeless, the candles flickered. The plachette rested gently on the “G.” Dib began to gently move the plachette in circles, and in a moment Todd caught on and helped him. His eyes darted back and forth. A tiny “Squee” squeezed out of his throat, and Dib grinned encouragingly. Doing great!

“Spirit,” he said. Now the candles stood still and tall, the flames the color of lemon. “Are you here?”

Silently, the planchette slid to the **YES** on the board.

“Welcome, spirit,” said Dib. “Don’t be afraid. We’re just here to talk to you for a little bit. Welcome to the séance!”

The planchette drifted to the **HELLO** sign.

“Mmyep.” Dib felt proud, grinning and nodding. “Nice to meet you. The name’s Dib. Do you know Todd?” He nodded towards the kid in question.

The planchette slid back to **YES.**

“Great! Not to be rude, just wondering, do you mind if I ask… are you a good spirit, or a bad one?”

Slowly, the planchette spelled out: **G… O… O…**

Goo.

Well, that was close enough to good, Dib figured. It was probably what she meant! How old was the little girl, anyway?

“How many years have you been here?”

The planchette said: **9.**

“Hmm… that’s a pretty awfully long time.”

**YES.**

“Don’t you ever feel like moving on? Um… you know, going into the light, all that stuff?”

**S… P… O… O… K… Y.**

“Yeah, I know… but you don’t have to be scared! You’re gonna go be with, um, your mom… and your family… and stuff. Nothing bad will happen, especially because you were a little kid. Plus you’re freaking out this guy here.” Dib jerked his free thumb towards Squee.

**T… O… Y.**

That one he couldn’t quite puzzle out. Dib blinked, perplexed, and then shot a curious glance at Todd.

“She choked on a Blissmeal toy,” Todd said. Oh, right right. 

“Do you want a toy…? Do you want… revenge on the toy?” Huh… that’d be hard…

The planchette circled a figure eight. Oh, right, two questions at once. Dib repeated the first one and the pointer swung obligingly over to yes.

“Uh, well, I guess we can do that. We can give you a toy to take with you.” Dib glanced at Todd – they could, right? He was rewarded with a firm nod-nod-nod. The kid did have some toys lying around, it’d be a shame to deprive him of one since there weren’t _so_ many and not one Dib saw was really nice or new… but if that was what it took to be freed of a spooky ghost! Todd’s heart was sure in the right place.

“A toy to take with you… and then you can see your mom again…” Was her mom even dead? Shoot. “And the rest of your family… you know… all those dead people. Dead presidents and stuff. With your toy.”

The planchette did a figure eight. Dib puffed out his cheeks.

“Well, anyway, I bet the afterlife is awesome. Flying around and stuff. This world kinda stinks! You should go check out the next one. We’ll get you a toy and then get you going, okay?”

Another figure eight… the planchette drifted around like a duck decoy on a pond, aimless. It seemed like she wasn’t sure. Well, that was just too bad. The living could boss around spirits if they knew how, and Dib did.

“Goodbye, ghost girl,” he said firmly. “It’ll all be better once you’ve crossed over to the other side, you’ll see!” And he swung the planchette firmly over to the **GOODBYE** written on the board.

That done: “Okay, let’s pick out a toy for her.” 

Squee rooted through a box full of dinky, mostly-broken Blissmeal toys until he unearthed one and held it out to Dib: some kind of little stuffed animal, a panda from the looks of it, worn out a little like everything else in the room but pretty cute and still with some fuzz to it. “I bet that’ll be good,” Dib said. “Let’s put it in the corner over there.”

Moving carefully, they picked up four candles and made a little square where the stuffed animal could sit. The extra candles were blown out, and the flames on the leftover four hovered steadily now. Dib used one of them to light the sage and began to make his way around the room, letting the sweet-smoky scent soak into the air. “Bye ghost, see you later,” he said loudly as he made his way around. “Goodbye, little ghost girl. Goodbye.”

A man’s voice bellowed from downstairs: “TODD! If you’re smoking something, make it the strong shit so you can die of an overdose.”

… Wow. Dib paused midstep and winced. Todd seemed to shrink into himself, pulling the bear close again; the candles were melting slowly down and the flames were all in the room that moved for that split second.

But there was still a room to be smudged, so Dib kept on going, albeit subdued. Todd cracked the window as the room filled with the smell. By now it was a reassuring scent to Dib. He loved the scent of dried sage.

“Well, anyway,” he said, once the last sage particles drifted away as ash and the only remainder of what he’d done was the odor, “Let’s get those candles blown out.” The candles were in the corner nearer Todd’s left side neighbor, and what he could see out the window looked ramshackle as heck. Todd helped him gather the last of the supplies up, and then Dib stood on his tiptoes to stare out the window a little more. “Whew. Who lives over _there?_ ”

_Ping_ , interrupted the ectoplasmeter, before any answer could be provided. Dib blinked and his hand fell to cover the little device. It hadn’t spoken up at all when he was dealing with the spirit…

_Ping._

“There was a ghost in _here,_ ” Dib said, goggling now with wide eyes at the nondescript house with its peeling paint and stripped shingles. “But… I think I might be picking something up from all the way over _there. Wow._ ”

For some reason Todd’s eyes got very wide as Dib moved back and forth in his room, seeing if he could pick up the strange, strong signal again when he stood closer to that wall. And pick it up he did! _Ping, ping, ping…_ Now that he was paying attention, he noticed that all the needles and tickers on his various counters picked up their game a little when he was near that wall too.

Dib got more and more excited. Todd’s fidgeting fingers moved faster and faster.

“ _Wow,_ ” Dib breathed after a few minutes of pacing back and forth just to see what happened. “Holy chupacabras! You had one spirit over here, there must be a heck of an infestation over _there!_ ”

“You aren’t gonna go, are you?” Todd blurted out. “That house isn’t a good place! The neighbor man came from over there. He used to. He came in my house to get the Bactine. It’s not good to go over there. I heard him yelling at the people who walked on his lawn all the time!”

“Hey, take it easy, little buddy.” Dib patted Todd on the forehead. “You just stay here. I’m practically a professional paranormal investigator by now! I mean, lookit all my _stuff!_ ”

“Please don’t go,” Todd whispered. His eyes were really huge, and his pupils pinned; he was scared stiff, poor little guy, Dib thought with a sudden burst of pity. 

“Don’t sweat it,” Dib said kindly. “Even a gaggle of ghosts is no match for me!”

He picked up all his stuff and put it together how he’d carried it. Then he padded down the stairs, quiet as he could, passing the room with the television on. He could hear the buzz of the tv but the volume was down very low.

“Thanks for having me, Mrs. Casil.” He said it as softly and inoffensively as he could manage.

He could barely see her really, slouched in the armchair with her legs sticking out, but maybe there was a flicker of shadow or the movement of a shape that indicated her tilting her head in his direction. “… Mrs. Casil?” came the vague voice, after a moment. “Am I married?”

He was paused there for enough time for Todd to catch up with him, clutching his bear like it was actually his parent, still breathing shallowly. Dib glanced back at him, feeling weird. He’d known for a long time that you couldn’t really count on grown-ups, but at least Membrane wasn’t like… this.

“You should go back to your room,” he said quietly. “You’re not, you know, accredited.” But all Todd did was look at him and that made Dib feel like a real jerk.

On quiet feet the boys made their way towards the front door in tandem, then. Dib found he didn’t have the heart to shake Todd off any harder. And as they passed by the kitchen there was one more obstacle: a man sat at the kitchen table, leaned over a coffee mug, resting his head in his hands. Their movements must have caught his eye because his voice growled out of the kitchen after them: “Get out. Both of you. Don’t come back.”

Man, Dib thought, although in a rare moment of tact he forewent saying it. The haunting in that house was the least of its problems.

 

All Dib’s instruments quieted down when they passed into the neighbor’s yard. The ground there was weirdly uneven, not smoothed out like most of the neighborhood lawns. Those lawns aspired to postage-stamp-hood, perfectly square and green, but even the best of them never quite made it. This lawn didn’t even really try; there were sad, dead, brown patches all over and what grass there was straggled and struggled. And it was like ten thousand dogs had been at the soil, digging it up and burying bones back down. A spooky yard if Dib had ever seen one, but only the spooktrometer’s needle wavered; his other readouts didn’t indicate anything strange. He actually paused before the door because what if it was a false alarm? But they had come this far…

He raised his hand to knock, the movement stayed by Todd’s fearful hiss. “Don’t!” But the more Dib looked, the more it seemed like no one was even home.

“Is the guy even around?” Dib wondered aloud, reined in at least slightly by his companion, who seemed like he might at any moment jitter himself into oblivion.

“I don’t know… I didn’t see him for months… but it’s not a good place. His house is scary…”

“Well,” Dib said practically, “it’s always a good idea to scout your haunt site out before you enter. Let’s take a look around.

With that he led them around the house, Todd picking his way behind. The paint really was peeling, revealing dreary grey wood underneath. Nothing moved, except the occasional tall strand of grass nodding in a lazy breeze that did nothing to refresh. There wasn’t a light on in the house, and not a single sign that the place had ever been loved.

Dib took them all the way around in a circle. Not a needle on the dial moved, except his spooktrometer needle bobbed.

“Looks like it’s clear to explore,” Dib said at last. If he was a less reckless child, he wouldn’t have got half so far in his paranormal investigating. “Hey, Todd, why don’t you wait outside? I can go check things out. I’ve done this a thousand times.”

Todd shook his head violently. A tiny noise fluttered out of his throat before he got words together: “Shmee says it’s bad… Shmee says it’s a bad idea… we’re being stupid…”

Alas: if Dib had one thing in common with is bombastic father, it was that the fears of normal people never deterred him. “A paranormal investigator never lets a bad idea stop him from exploring the mysterious!” Dib declared, and reached out to take hold of the door handle, which turned smoothly with not a whisper of a sound in his hand…

…to open smoothly on a clean and nondescript front room, the same grey inside as out, almost empty of furniture, and certainly empty of people. The only hint of movement was the flutter of dust balls in the corner, stirred by the breeze of the door opening.

Dib did a visual inspection. Nothing moved, nothing seemed dangerous. He stepped inside, and there it was again: _ping._

From behind him rose a thin little moan, and then the tapping of footsteps, and then Todd was behind him, clutching at Dib’s utility belt wordlessly. He was close and clinging enough that his tension telegraphed directly to Dib, who tensed in turn and then made himself relax.

“Hey, don’t sweat it.” His cheer sounded a little forced in the unpresumptuous gloominess of the house, and his pause was punctuated yet again by the soft ringing of his ectoplasmeter, intermittent but encouraging. Given a metal detector and a beach to search, Dib had a personality that would have combed the sand for days at a time. “Like I said, I’ve done this kind of this a million times before. This is nothing compared to the kind of stuff Zim throws at me. This place isn’t even scary.”

“It’s wrong,” Todd whispered. “It’s all wrong. Shmee says this place is dirty. The neighbor got all kindsa people and he brought them in here with him.”

“That does sound suspicious…”

But if people had gotten hurt in this house, no wonder it was ectoplasmically active! Hoo, if somebody had _died_ in here, there would probably even be another ghost. He’d just do a quick canvas of the house, Dib decided. Then he’d go get a Swollen Eyeballs team to come back with him, just in case there was a high concentration of hostile spirits.

Todd clinging to his belt still, Dib took another step into the house, looking around. Everything was still. The grey halls and walls spread out before him, tame and inviting, nondescript and mysterious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy news for people enjoying this story: I'm doing Nano this month, and along with some other original projects, decided I'd try to finish this fic. The next chapter is already almost finished!
> 
> Also, if you're enjoying the story, please do leave a review. I'd like to hear what other people are thinking of it so far.


	5. in which a house is explored

Actually, a brief circuit around the house’s first floor was kind of unexciting. Everything was dusty, but there was no evidence of anything ever having _happened_ in the rickety, lonesome house. If the nutcase who lived here had been dragging people in to kill them, there was no evidence of it here. Of course, what kind of murderer would have had all his stuff just lying around? That would have been _totally_ stupid.

Nevertheless Todd shivered quietly, sticking close to Dib as he circled through the rooms. He didn’t say a word, only looked small, grey-faced and traumatized. Dib would have given up the whole thing as a bad job, a false alarm, and left completely, if his ectoplasmeter hadn’t let out encouraging dings at irregular intervals. The most interesting things were a few stray stains on the walls, mottled brown and grey, impossible to tell where they came from. Dib trotted on, feeling gradually more disappointed, until he went past the kitchen for a second time and decided to open the pantry door.

Which, upon opening, wasn’t a pantry door at all: rather, it revealed a flight of narrow stairs, plunging down into dust-bunnied darkness. A bare bulb hung to light the way, switched off of course; the switch was on the left, ready and waiting to be flicked.

Most encouraging of all – as Dib checked his gear hastily – all the numbers ticked up at once. _Ping, ping, ping_ went the ectoplasmeter. _Jackpot_.

“Okay,” he said, going a little high-pitched in his sudden excitement. “I’m gonna go downstairs and check it out.”

“ _No,_ ” the horror in Todd’s voice was so raw and real that Dib actually hesitated in the first step he’d taken towards the first stair. He paused just long enough for Todd to take hold of his utility belt and pull back more persistently this time. “No, _don’t_. Shmee says it’s bad! We’re gonna get eaten if we go down there… we’re gonna get eaten… the house is gonna eat us… it’s _bad…_ ”

Dib had managed to be pretty patient with Todd’s being so high strung, and it was pretty easy to understand why he was, since his life was so… plain _sucky._ Dib thought things were pretty rough for him sometimes, but he knew pretty well he had it better. But passing up a chance like _this?_

“No way,” he said. “Who knows what could be down there? Look, I can’t just… leave! What if somebody scalps this place ahead of me? I’ll just go check out the basement. I’ll just look around, okay? And then we’ll leave. I’ll let the Swollen Eyeballs know what’s here,” talking right over Todd’s protesting little whine at the idea, “and I’ll come back… IF I come back… with a team. It looks like there’s something really happening here, I can’t just pass it up!”

“It’s a bad place…” But Todd finally let go of Dib’s belt to clasp his bear closer and look down miserably. He really did look like he wanted to cry and Dib actually felt a wave of pity for him. “It’s _really_ bad… I saw lots of people go in here… you don’t get it…”

“I’m an expert,” Dib said firmly. He was perhaps not the most cautious of children, to say the least. Also perhaps he was beguiled by the idea of breaking new ground, of doing something special, of seeing somewhere new and being the _first_ \- or the first to share it with the world, at any rate. It wouldn’t be the first time something like that had tempted him. “Don’t worry. You can stay here, okay?”

“ _Nooooo._ ” Todd shook his head almost violently. Dib guessed he understood: it’d be worse to wait alone, not knowing what was happening.

But he wasn’t going to put off exploring now that he was so close, and he wasn’t going to have the fight to make Todd stay right here if he wanted to come. Dib had been exploring the supernatural world since he was Todd’s age and younger.

Dib turned on the light, and they took the first step onto the stairs forever.

It was nothing special, really. There were no sounds, no moans, no spirits flying up from the bottom of the stairs to screech at him or try to scare. There wasn’t even any ectoplasm! But the ectoplasmeter kept up its steady timbre, slow enough that Dib’s heart could beat ten thousand times between each ping. That was enough to encourage him down the stairs, no matter what his eyes saw.

There was another light switch at the bottom of the flight of stairs, and Dib flicked it on. “Wow.” The basement was bigger than he expected… not dirty, but not exactly squeaky clean either. The floorboards were warmed and with deep grooves in between, the grooves filled with some dark material – probably packed dirt. Todd was breathing quickly and staying close, and for the moment Dib didn’t pay him any attention. Maybe once he realized that nothing so terrible was happening, he’d calm down.

Already, the basement was slightly less innocuous than the empty floor above it. There was a beam standing in the room to support the house above, and a nail hammered halfway into the beam, supporting nothing. Behind and around the nail there was a dark red-brown stain and Dib actually felt his heart rate hitch up in response to the sight. That looked like dried blood.

Something drew his gaze past the beam, which he’d walked to and then stopped to stare at; it made him jump, and his nervousness made Todd jump and squeak too. But after standing frozen in place for a moment Dib suddenly laughed. “Calm down!” He’d realized that what he’d seen wasn’t really a person… so he made his way towards the little figures. They were close enough that he could see they were painted now: two doughboys covered in dizzying designs. “Weird,” Dib said lightly, and pulled his spooktrometer around to check the needle. Sure enough, it was wavering high.

Man, those doughboys looked happy. _Too_ happy. But that was the most unnerving thing he’d seen down here so far. No bodies, no bones, no spirits… only traces of what looked like blood.

At least, this was what Dib thought until he ventured further towards the back wall and the manacles became apparent.

They were empty… but he paused to stare with his mouth open anyway. Black metal manacles screwed into the wall. Looked like they’d hold a person stationary in position against the wall, in a way that’d be painful even if someone was just trying to stand. Dib paused with his mouth open, and then flinched thinking about it. Behind him Todd said in a wavering voice, “Can we go now?”

It didn’t… _necessarily_ prove that anything terrible had happened down here. It could just be a really… _adult_ dungeon, Dib thought with little conviction. It would explain why Todd’s scary neighbor had people always coming and going, even if it didn’t explain why he came over to Todd’s house looking for Bactine.

“I dunno.” After a moment, Dib fished his little digital camera out of his utility belt. It was small enough to fit in one of the pockets, which was why he’d bought it; it hadn’t yet fallen victim to Zim’s claws or lasers. The flash lit up the dim room for a second, the manacles tracing black shadows against the walls. He went back towards the doughboys to take a photo of them too, which he managed without incident, and then looked around again…

There was a doorway leading to an adjacent room. There was still more he could see. And next to the stairs that had brought them to this first basement there was another stairwell making a sharp turn into darkness. Dib had a feeling that that staircase too would have a switch and a bare bulb to light it. He hadn’t found anything so far, in spite of the response of his instruments…

… and he didn’t want to leave without _something_ to show for his efforts.

“Let’s look over there.” He pointed to the door. Todd looked at the door too, then at the stairs, then at Dib, obviously weighing his options for persuading Dib otherwise. The poor kid was kinda just here because Dib had dragged him…

“I could walk you back to your house,” he offered again, and Todd shook his head before his gaze dropped right back to his shoes.

That seemed like a “no” so Dib went for the door and went into the next room, flicked the next switch. The lighting wasn’t so bad, he could see everything. This room was full of cages: narrow wire cages stacked up one on top of the other until they hit the ceiling. It looked like a miserable prison for dogs or something. All the doors were unlocked and open, though none of them were swinging; his spooktrometer was _definitely_ reading a high concentration of the _creeps._ “Well, _that’s_ weird,” Dib said, as lightly as he could, and he took a photo of the pile of cages too. They wouldn’t be pleasant for dogs to stay in, he could see just by looking, and they would be even less pleasant if there were… people… in there… 

At least the cage bars were clean, upon closer inspection: inspection Dib made without sticking his head or his hand or anything, really, into the cage.

“Let’s keep going.” He was determined now. Todd made a very small noise, neither yes nor no. There was an open door at the other side of the room, though to get to it they had to walk by all the cages – Dib could imagine them filled with people and _screaming_ \- he tried not to think about it, and walked without looking at them. The next room was relatively open, and not large, with four stakes driven into the floorboards at about the distance where you could tie someone spreadeagle. There were straps flapped open to really pin someone’s legs and arms and even neck down too. Dib tried to make his imagination sit down and shut up, and took a picture instead. There was another doorway across from that room and he went in there. Todd hadn’t said a word in a while. He must have been too scared, but there was nothing to be scared of and Dib needed to see more.

The next room had white-painted walls and a high ceiling. It had a selection of hooks and pegs, for the most part empty, except for a coil of rusty wire hooked over one peg. Dib wasn’t sure exactly how he would have felt if they weren’t empty – what could they have held? Actually, it was too bad they were empty. Now it let his imagination go wild. 

He went on into the next room. Todd was hovering by his shoulder, too close, but Dib didn’t have the heart to bump him back off. The next room was full of – weird racks. Racks for people. They looked like things you’d see on late-night TV. They were mercifully empty. There was a drain on the floor covered with a metal grate. Dib bent down to expect it and without touching noted that there were a few hairs caught in the grate.

In the corner of this room there was another staircase leading down into the dark, another light switch by the door. “Holy crap,” Dib said, then immediately felt inappropriate for having spoken. His voice broke the silence and it felt for a second like the silence didn’t _like_ it, it wanted to smother him silent in turn.

But that was crazy talk.

He realized that he’d stopped hearing the dings and pings of his instruments. Or had they stopped going? Now that he’d spoken, he was hearing them again. Todd clung to his belt. “Can we go back now?” he asked, very softly.

It felt like he had a headache… Dib looked at the stairs. He’d seen these rooms, but what else? Nothing, nothing.

“What kind of crazy person complex does he have down here?” Dib rubbed his forehead and suddenly sat down. “Let’s take a break. I have some Snackoos, we can share.” A smart investigator always brought something for a little pick-me-up on the job when it was called for. This was definitely called for.

Todd sat down, apparently content to eat snacks if they weren’t going down any deeper. The crackling of the wrapper seemed loud again, inappropriate, and but Dib felt a little better as they crunched through the Snackoos. Blood sugar, yeah! When they were finished he put the wrapper back into his pocket and brushed ineffectually at the few crumbs they’d dropped. He wished they had more. Or that they had a soda or something. He had a little bottle of water, but that could wait for when they were really thirsty and in that moment Dib realized that he hadn’t even thought about turning around. He looked back at the door and could barely remember how they had come. At least he had his digital camera, even if he’d also forgotten about that until now. He needed to start taking pictures again.

“C’mon,” he said, and got up. Todd looked up at him, squinting, and then got slowly to his feet too. Dib knew why when he thought about it: as much as he didn’t want to go further, it would be worse to turn around and try to go back alone. He wondered what Shmee had to say about that.

Dib turned on the light and they went down the stairs together. 

The first room was full of cages again. This time Dib had the presence of mind to take his camera and snap a picture. Todd made a quiet noise. “It won’t like that,” he said, when Dib looked at him.

“Well, we can deal with _it_ ,” Dib said, trying to pump confidence into his voice but thinking about how many guys could the jerk FIT down here? A lot of people! Then into the next room, which was full of crates. A smell hung in the air, not a good one. It reminded him of something, and after a moment it came to him: the locker room at the gym, at least if the locker room had been abandoned for twenty years. It had that same smell of sweat and mildew and substances unmentionable.

Dib thought for a second, in a distant way, about how bad an idea all this was. If they were in a horror movie about now would be the time when the home’s owner came back, and he’d be there behind them, and… Todd might be all right… it didn’t bear thinking about. He went and looked in one of the crates and then whistled. Nails had been hammered through the wood to hold it together and the sharp points were stained dark with… something.

All right, it was probably blood. He could imagine. Someone walled _in_ there…

Not thinking about it, he took a picture. There was another door at the other end of the room, and he went for it.

The next room had a dizzying model of engineering plunked right in the middle of it. Dib had to stop and try to make heads and tails of it for a second. All the blades, grinding gears and moving joints, machinery drawn by MC Escher. As he looked he could make more sense of it; there was a place in the middle where somebody could be strapped in, and leather straps hanging loose, and everything was clean – he sucked in a deep breath, raised his camera and took a picture. “Dib,” Todd said very softly, like a crying baby bird, and then nothing else. Dib went for the next room.

The floor was… weirdly bristly. It was covered in nails, that was why. Or not covered but they were all hammered in, some of them deeper, some of them shallower? It was kind of like the room was growing grass, only the most macabre grass in the world, and it was hard to walk, but there was kind of a path. Whoever had made this place had needed to walk through it. Dib took a picture and kept walking. The next room had a hardwood floor polished to a brown-red shine like the darkest of dark rubies. The walls were painted so brightly white that it almost hurt his eyes. He didn’t feel like either of them should stay for a long time but Dib took. Another. Picture. And then walked quickly over the shining floor to the door on the other side of the room which yawned tall and black like an opening mouth. The next room had yellowing walls smeared with something. It looked like skin. It looked like someone had been walking around here for years and rubbing themselves on the walls. The floor was almost back with stains and dirty dirty. Dib took another picture and kept going. The air was so thick with dust it was hard to breathe.

No, it was easy to breathe; he was just getting nervous. There was something about another person here. The new room was the filthiest of all of them, the floor was truly black and sticky like a movie theater floor. The walls were tattooed, no, they were written on, with crabbed dense handwriting that overlapped with itself so that you could only make out a few phrases: **Z? Z? Z? I long to emulate the emptiness of an insect. Feel nothing. I’m sorry Nailbunny. Fuck you Psychodoughboys. The stars were so beautiful that night. I haven’t forgotten. Heaven was a shitsack. I can make heads explode!** Ugly little drawings of a stick figure with an antennae sprouting out of the top of his head. Scrawled curse words. Dib took a picture. Time to move on.

There were definitely stairs in there.

Dib felt winded and tired. He sat down on the bottom stair and Todd sat down next to him immediately. He was more jittery than ever. He didn’t need to start drinking coffee, ever. “It’s a bad place,” he whispered. “I don’t like it here. It doesn’t like _us…_ ”

_Ding, ding,_ went the ectoplasmeter.

It liked them all right, Dib thought. He took out his water bottle and had a drink, and offered Todd a drink. Todd drank too, Dib drank it again and put it away. It didn’t look like there were toilets down here. They would just have to go in a corner somewhere.

Heh. The house probably wouldn’t like _that._

So then he got up. His bones felt tired and his feet ached a little, but he made it. Now that he was listening he could hear creaks and whispers coming through the house on occasion. In the distance, suddenly, there was a loud and distinct _crack._

Dib jumped and Todd went _yipe._ They both froze in place, Dib holding his breath to listen, hearing only the faint murmurs of old wood and… _ping… ping… ping…_ soft and steady like a heartbeat.

After a second he laughed a little. “This house is super old… right… buddy?”

Super old and eons deep. 

“It was just… wood settling. You know, like it does.” Laughter squeezed out of him like air out of a punctured balloon. He reached and offered a hand up to Todd, who accepted it, and the two of them went on.

The little white room they’d emerged in was like an amphitheater. The door to pass to the next room was close, but absolute in its blackness; they were through it soon enough when the contents of the next room became visible and very obviously incongruous.

The room was full of what looked like art supplies. A wooden easel rested against the left-side wall. A draftman’s table was set up opposite to it. There was a light table too, with the drawing surface tilted. Piles of prismacolor pencils and markers, acrylic and oil paints, gummed-up brushes all stuffed into a jar. “Wow,” Dib said, feeling incongruous himself to be speaking again. “I guess he has some other hobbies.” The free walls were covered in sketches and paintings on both canvas and paper. They were… _difficult_ to look at. They crawled and spiked with energy that seemed to stab itself aggressively into their eyes. Dib could pick out figures, papers covered with just _designs_ , pictures of scary clowns, dead dogs, sometimes violent but all with fervent _interest_ and not so aggressive as some of the – other – room’s he’d seen that hovered in the shadows of his memory as if waiting for him to try and unearth them.

“He had other hobbies,” Todd whispered.

There were three doors to pass through to other rooms. Dib picked one at random and went on because they were committed now.

An empty room with a feeling of being watched. It wasn’t large but it seemed to take hours to cross, hostile eyes on the back the whole time. Dib held Todd’s hand and walked quickly. It seemed like they would never get there and then the door leaped at both of them and swallowed them up. They passed through another door and the floor on this room really _was_ painted with an eye, a bulbous and staring eye that somehow it didn’t seem wise to step on. 

He led Todd around them, the both of them silent, except now the house whispered around them almost constantly. It was like listening to a party in the next room, a party between people who didn’t _like_ then, but who were eagerly waiting to see the next thing they’d do, the next thing they’d mess up, a party made out of wood beams. As they got closer to the wall Dib realized that the wall itself was painted with _teeth._ And so was the other wall. They were inside jaws, with an eye on the floor… Dib shuddered. It was undeniably creepy. At last after time interminable came the door on the other side of the room.

The next room was vast. Bigger than it should’ve been. As high as an airplane hangar. Their footsteps echoed as Dib led them out across the floor. He paused and took a picture; there was nothing there, it was cold and empty, and the flash illuminated only a tiny part of it before the darkness rushed back in and even in that illuminated part there was nothing interesting, just grey floorboards and dim distance. It was cold and empty and not dark in any way that was intriguing; it was just cold and dead and yet _ping ping ping._ Dib’s teeth chattered but he kept them both moving. 

He’d been chased by ghosts before. He’d done stupid crap and gotten whupped for it. Not just by Zim. He remembered abandoned places, he remembered being chased, voices coming up around him, hide and seek, a girl’s voice coming from an indeterminate place in the dark: _five, four, three, two, **one… ready or not, HERE I COME…**_

He shuddered.

“Are you okay?” Todd’s voice pulled him back to the reality he was in. They had crossed the room and now another door loomed up before them.

“Yeah,” Dib said. Not really at all, but they had to go forward now. So he led the way.

The floor was sticky and the room stank. It was darker now and hard to see any details, vaguely where they had to go to get to the next door.

My poor insane son! Membrane had always said.

The next room. Someone was moaning in a ragged voice. The floor was sticky and the room stank.

The world inside his head was full of nightmares. Gaz had too many teeth. Membrane’s long fingers caged him up when he carried him back to the monsters. The straightjacket was hot and too tight. Dib laid on his side to rest and breathed quickly, resting his forehead on the ground. Wait, wait, wait…

The next room. “Help me, help me, help me,” someone was saying. No, it was at least two people, two pleas being sung in a round. “Help me, help me.” The floor was sticky. The room stank.

They had gone very deep.

There were people stuck to the ground. Maybe there were nails in them, Dib didn’t want to look. The room stank.

Torque Smacky was beating him up in the bathroom. The sink pressed against the small of Dib’s back; Torque’s fist cracked into him again and again, punching his mouth out, punching him in the nose. Dib hit back but weaker. “You’re a loser freak,” Torque said, throwing him on the ground. Who knew what was gummed on those tiles. Dib’s hands were covered in blood from his nose and his lip. Torque left him in the bathroom and went back to class.

They couldn’t turn back now.

The window to his room was open. The night air was coming in, smelling slightly of smoke. His daddy was on the floor. There was a cut on his forehead. Bleeding a little. But at least he wasn’t saying mean things like he always did.

“Okey-doke, Squeegee,” the neighbor man said. He was all done in the house. He sure was scary. Squee sat with his hands folded tightly, trying not to move too much. Didn’t want to make him mad, nope. “Well, I guess I’m done here. Uhh… hate to leave you… I’d take you with me but. Fuck! Like I could look after a kid. Haha, _there’s_ a crazy idea. Guess I’m still insane. Mmyup!”

He didn’t say anything.

“Wish I had a cell number to give you.” A spidery hand reached out and ruffled Squee’s hair. He just let it happen, dropping his head forward and staring at daddy. “Man, your parents are garbage. Uhhh… you know what! If you need help, go on over and leave a note on the door. I’m not gonna be living there anymore but I’ll check back in every so often.”

Then it was over. The scary neighbor man swung one leg over the window. Waved. Winked. “Question sleep, kid!” 

And then he was gone.

These weren’t his memories.

The floor was sticky. The room stank.

“Help me. Help me. Oh, God, I don’t want to die.”

He was crouched on a toilet and there was blood pouring, pouring all over the floor. Someone was grunting and screaming in the bathroom cubicle next to his. He ran out screaming.

They had gone very deep. Blackness surrounded them now. They hung in the vastness of space without stars, suspended like Christmas ornaments. A cat prowled this way and that around them, tapping at them with velvety paws. They were going to fall off the branch and when that happened they’d break all over the floor in glittery kaleidoscope designs.

“Will anyone ever know how hard I tried?” someone moaned.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

Sensory deprivation did weird things to the mind. People heard noises and felt things. People hurt themselves to feel anything. Dib had read all that kind of stuff on a bender one summer. He’d read about the cruelty experiments. Monkeys in boxes with a grate at the bottom so their dooky could dribble through and a slot so they could get fed. Solitary confinement. The Standford prison experiment.

They were losing all color all taste vision all touch and smell. Two dumb monkeys boxed up pressed against a metal wall too scared to venture to the other side of the box because who knew, who knew what… at least when you had metal against your back you had something…

It was right to be so scared IT WAS RIGHT who knew what was out there? The black cat with spinning universe eyes pacing in circles around them playing with its prey touching them with soft soft paws. They weren’t alone they weren’t alone they weren’t alone they hadn’t been alone from the beginning

the floor was sticky

and the room stank

and Dib knew that because he was on the floor breathing in dust from the floor almost licking the sticky floor, Todd was next to him the bear was there and there was no one else in the universe to help them

and they were deep in the jungle now.

Over the stars. Over the stars. OVER the STARS and beyond them, far beyond

There was a garbled noise.

“Help… help…”

Dib realized it was him.

There was something hot and burning in his throat. Something hot and burning boiling up. He was lying on his side and he vomited that way. Pieces of Snackoos and water spilled out from between his lips on the floor. One eye felt gummed shut. His skin was sticky. He immediately wanted more water. He wanted his bed. His head hurt.

Why was he even awake?

Something warm was pressed against his back. Todd, he guessed.

He was so sure he’d be gone forever… how had he woken up?

Score one for humanity, maybe.

_Ping, ping, ping._ The ectoplasmeter was still dinging away. Slowly, Dib raised his hand and slapped it quiet. He knew pretty well that he was in the deeps now. He didn’t need his instruments telling him they were screwed. Unless they weren’t, since he’d woken up.

He swallowed hard and scooted around to shake Todd awake. The poor kid was still clinging to his teddy bear. “Sorry,” said Dib to both of them. “Jeez… I guess this is my fault, huh? He didn’t even want to come over here… I’m the reason we’re down here.” He smiled weakly at the bear. “If you, you know, have any advice for us, I’ll listen this time.”

But – now that he was awake, there was a set of _stairs._ Right over there, like a ladder out of hell. Dib stared at them for a second, then shook Todd more. “Hey. Wake up.”

“Mmmn…” He groaned, but Todd sat up in a second, wiping his red-rimmed eyes and nose with his threadbare sleeve. “Where’re we – eep!”

He’d remembered everything just like Dib.

He wasn’t much of a hugger, but Dib edged closer and wrapped his arm around Todd’s shoulders anyway.

“We’re in the house.” Which OBVIOUSLY had something freaky going on. Something beyond freaky. Dib gestured to the stairs. “But look.”

Todd looked. His eyes were pinned. It didn’t look like he was doing so good. Then again they were sitting next to a puddle of Dib’s puke. Dib fished out his water bottle. It hurt to move… he felt like an old man. How far had they come? How deep were they? He wished he had an instrument to tell him that. He took a sip of plastic-tasting water, swished it around his mouth, and spit it out. Then he drank a little and offered it to Todd, who accepted. “I don’t have any more food. Sorry.”

“S’okay,” Todd whispered. He hadn’t looked away from the stairs; he was like a horse seeing its home barn. He drank and handed the water bottle back. There was only about an inch of water left sloshing in the bottom of the clear plastic. They were gonna be in trouble if they got too thirsty before making it out…

No, no, don’t think about that. Dib rubbed his face, even though it only made him want a shower more. Although it hurt, he pushed himself to his feet, careful not to dip a foot in his mess. Then he hiked Todd up after him. “Let’s get outta here,” he nodded towards the stairs. It felt like a trap, but there was an exit: they had to try.

Todd didn’t look brave, but somehow he looked kind of determined. Something in his face had set hard. He even took the first step towards the stairs. They started up with Dib at his heels.

Right away Dib felt something wrong. Like they were walking into a strong wind – Todd leaned forward and tried to power on, his bear clutched to his chest, and it even worked, but – the air wasn’t moving. Couldn’t be moving. Dib gritted his teeth and forced himself higher too.

Turn back turn _back **turn back.**_ It got harder and harder to move. His joints hurt a lot. One step ahead, Todd tripped and grunted. Dib grabbed his shoulder to see what was wrong and – he was buried in the stairs, his right leg, to the knee.

Dib stared at it with no idea what to do. As he watched, Todd’s other leg sank in too. Now he was buried to both knees, now engulfed up to his waist, crying out with frantic eyes, bear clutched to his chest like a life preserver. Moving purely on reflex, Dib took a double handful of his shirt and tried to pull him up. All that happened was he sank too. To the knees.

It didn’t feel like wood around him. It felt like – like hot tar. What he imagined hot tar would be. Swallowed like struggling dinosaurs. He opened his mouth and a short, high shriek burst out. The house flexed around him.

He was waist deep when Todd was neck deep – the house was swallowing Todd faster – he was shorter, it made sense – Dib hoped he still had his bear. The house closed over Todd’s head when it was at Dib’s chest. Then it was at his chin, and he was alone. He tried to struggle but the house was too strong. It pulsed around him. Peristalsis. The muscle motion of the esophagus that transported food to the stomach. Dib was glad he was dehydrated even with the water he’d drunk after he puked or he might have wet his pants.

“ _DAD!!!_ ” he screamed.

The house closed over his face. It was dark, close and hot. It pressed against his mouth and nose.

He was going to die here.

Now they were really down in the deeps.


	6. in which another party member arrives

It took some time but Dib realized he was breathing. If he was breathing, he couldn’t be dead. It would be a pretty tough deal to have to breathe in heaven, after working hard at it all life long.

Then again maybe they were in hell. They’d probably have to breathe there. Probably even breathing would be tiring there.

Either way he was somewhere he could think. That was a plus beyond what he expected. Dib pushed himself up. Now he wasn’t just sticky from the floor; he was coated in something sticky and smelly. When he touched it, it felt tacky. Like… sap. Saliva. The thought made him make an embarrassing little whimper of a noise. No, don’t think about saliva. Even if they were in the process of being swallowed.

He looked around for Todd. There he was, right over there. God he was stupid. He was a character in a horror movie he’d have screamed at. Gaz would have predicted his death ten times. Gaz was probably at home right now, maybe ordering a pizza… probably not wondering what was going on with him… he was never home at this time, practically. 

It wasn’t good to think about that. He shuffled over and shook Todd instead until he groaned and rolled over. Sure enough, crushed against his chest, fuzz matted with whatever they were slicked in, there was the teddy bear. Dib felt a totally useless rush of relief at the sight. At least the bear was right there. He sat back on his heels. “Sorry. I guess this is my fault.”

Typically, the bear said nothing, but Todd opened red-rimmed eyes, licked his lips, and then sat up. “… Where’re we?”

Dib hadn’t really looked around. He did that now. More grey walls, some of them stained suspiciously, with – somehow the appearance of slickness. Like they were growing fungus. Maybe they were, this deep it probably never died out. Maybe they’d grow fungus too. Better not to think about it.

“In the house,” he said instead. “I don’t know where.” 

Deep. But what else was new.

He helped Todd to his feet anyway. The kid came willingly enough, and Dib started them walking, thinking in a fragmented kind of way. They didn’t really need to know where they were going. They just needed to go, or – or they’d really lose it. He felt thirsty, but like he could go without drinking, and who knew when they’d find water to drink so…

There were still noises echoing in the house. Some, if you tilted your head and squinted, sounded like distant laughter. Sometimes it rumbled like a belly. Straight lines softened into slight curves. Dib tuned out the distant noises as he led them in no particular direction, taking doors at random. Sometimes there were things breaking up the “scenery.” Drains in the floor, sinks on the wall that only groaned and keened when he turned the taps. And soft scrapes and clicks that trailed them.

Dib didn’t notice them for a long time. Then when he did he didn’t really pay attention. Just mindlessly walking, feeling greyer and greyer, further and further away. 

Todd noticed first. His head turned this way and that, footsteps lagging although he clung to Dib’s sleeve with one hand. “Did you hear that?” he whispered after a little bit.

“Huh?” To be honest, Dib wasn’t hearing much of anything. He felt woozy and as empty as a drum. If you’d banged on him, he would’ve boomed.

“I hear something,” Todd said. His teeth chattered. “’s following us.”

Dib took a minute to think about that, still walking. It was hard… hard to get his brain in gear. Like spooky brain frostbite. He shook his head. “Don’t get faster,” he whispered. “I’ll… let me think.”

He didn’t have much of anything, really. After a second he shook at Todd’s hand on his sleeve. “You go ahead… I’ll go back and see what it is.” It seemed like a bad idea, but there wasn’t really a better choice…

Todd didn’t look happy, but he listened. Good enough. He walked on ahead and Dib lagged back, staring worriedly at the kid’s back… there was a room of distance between them, which was how much really? What if they got lost…? But – instead of thinking of that, he tried to think of what he’d say to the creature following them. Maybe nothing, maybe it’d pounce on him and finish him off… then finish Todd off. The end! The end of the savior of earth and his skittish little sidekick.

He fell back a few steps more, and then his morbid predictions came true: from the shadows the creature _pounced._

He was hit mid-back and bowled over immediately, his face pushed against the grey floor – so shocking and scary that Dib almost wet his pants. Certainly he screamed, a sound as vivid against the silence as white crayon on black paper. “ _No!_ ” he squalled, fighting and scrabbling desperately. His position wasn’t good. Claws wound themselves in his hair and dragged his head back; Dib squeezed his eyes tight shut and found new reserves of will to live. “ _No! Let me go!_ Uhhuuhuhahh!”

He opened his eyes and Todd was actually running back towards him, mouth moving soundlessly too. Dib tried to roll but there were sharp knees driving into the small of his back – it hurt, it hurt! He found reserves of moisture to cry. “STOP! STOP!”

“SILENCE, FILTHY SLIMECHILD!” a very _familiar_ voice screamed. A familiar voice that was on top of him. Dib wheezed and scrabbled at the ground and a few more tears snuck out of his eyes as he registered what was happening. Todd had come to a stop in front of him and was staring with his mouth wide open.

“Z - _Zim?_ ” Dib stuttered out. 

He had never expected to be so relieved to see his nemesis. 

Zim got off Dib’s back and then kicked him over, so Dib laid on her back instead, looking up at Zim. He didn’t look happy to see Zim at all. Still in his disguise, coated with the same slime they were, he looked like he was breaking out in some kind of rash, maybe one that was rage-induced. His hands closed and opened in slow rhythm, more or less like he wanted to put them around Dib’s neck and squeeze. “ _Diiib,_ ” he said in a low voice. “ _Dib!_ ”

“Um… hey! Ha ha… ha…” The situation was still nightmarish, but his spirits suddenly felt brighter somehow. Zim, he knew how to deal with. Besides, when they were working together, they could basically take on anything.

Dib tried to scoot back though. Zim did look pretty mad. Defuse that first. “Zim…! How you doin’?”

“RRRGH,” Zim snarled, and threw himself on Dib, tiny hands conclusively closed into fists. He began to pummel the human. “DIB! DIB, THIS PLACE IS HORRIBLE AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT! _ARRGH!_ _ZIIIIM_ is trapped in a _nightmare_ because of YOOOOUR wormy self – AGAIN! DIB! FIX IT!”

Dib yelped and didn’t hit back so much as he tried to catch Zim’s fists and slow him down. “Hey! Stop – Zim! This isn’t my – ow! I didn’t bring you here! Stop it!”

He finally got it together enough to roll and try to put Zim on the bottom of the encounter, but Zim was having none of it. Heedless of the fact that there was another human witness, his pak opened up and the four spindly metal legs it contained shot out. Abruptly he was taller than Dib, more mobile, and still hopping mad. “WHAT! Do you have to SAY for yourself!”

He’d just used the legs to get away from Dib, who’d eaten it facefirst on the floor at Zim’s evasive move. Now he dropped onto his meatbody feet and came at Dib again, hissing like an overfilled tea kettle. Dib, not eager to get punched more, looked at the alien charging him and promptly ran away. He ran away from Todd too. No reason to pull him into this mess… more than he already was.

Sometimes Zim and Dib had some really impressive fights. With the full support of their tech, in Zim’s weird booby-trapped alien house or in the world outside, when they had time to get new weapons and strategies together, they could battle quite impressively.

Here, in the depths of a nightmare, their fight was just completely stupid. Boy and alien chased each other in larger and smaller circles, Zim wheezing with ire and Dib just wheezing. Zim did more of the chasing, as Dib tried to stay ahead of him and simultaneously think of how to defuse him. They couldn’t afford to waste energy like this.

Eventually, Dib just stopped running. Of course Zim slammed right into him and bowled him over, contriving to pin Dib with Dib on his back, facing up towards Zim. Zim twisted Dib’s collar tight in his claws and throttled him a little. “You little… INFERIOR BEING! How dare you run away from Zim! If you have a BRAIN AT ALL in that GIANT HEAD of yours USE IT NOW!”

“I surrender, Zim!” Dib wheezed, collar still cutting into his throat. “Uncle. Uncle. I give up. I surrender!”

“GOOD,” Zim screeched. “But it’s a little LATE, Dib!”

As planned, though, the display of submission put him at ease a little and he let up on the choking. He didn’t let _Dib_ up, but, well, Dib guessed they could talk like this. Dib put his hands up too, placating even more, and when Zim did nothing but glower down at him and take deep, heaving breaths, he said, “Why are you here?”

“I know you’re up to something! I know you’re planning something, with that… smeetier… smeet… cohort of yours!” Zim jerked his head. It took Dib a second to realize he was indicating Todd. 

“We’re not cohorts, I’m just tutoring him…”

“SILENCE! Zim is still talking! Anyway, when you went into this… ehhh… this filthy, deserted base, I knew you must be up to something! I was watching you and I followed you while you saw all that weird… STUFF.”

“Yeah, it’s… pretty weird in here, huh?” Dib giggled a little bit. Pure nervous giggle, but Zim glowered at him and hissed.

“Do you think this is _funny_ , Dib? Well. _Well._ ” Zim bared his teeth without a fleck of good humor evident at all in the expression. “You _may_ have managed to hinder Zim this time… but it seems like you’re in deep dooky yourself.”

Dib took a deep breath and made himself relax a little. It was really hard to do. But he kept his hands held up in the universal no-danger pose and said as sincerely as he could manage, “Look, Zim. We’re in trouble too. We’re lost. I wasn’t trying to lead you or trap you anywhere… I just wanted to check it out, and now I’m, uh… in trouble. And so is Todd. So, since you’re here, maybe we should work together to see if we can get out of here. What about using your pak to call your base for help? Where’s GIR?”

At least Zim was placated enough to release Dib’s collar all the way, even if he didn’t let him up. Every time Dib looked at him… it was just so fascinating. He knew the blue eyes were contact lenses, but the pupils dilated and expanded, the eyes behaved just like human eyes. He was fighting a real life alien and it was amazing. At least he could feel glad about that, even in this horrible situation.

“My base is inaccessible,” Zim said at last. He didn’t like confessing to weakness; his voice was clipped. “Signals haven’t left this place since I started sending them.”

They were on their own then. “Will you let me up?” Dib said. “I _promise_ not to run away. Or try anything.”

Zim glared at him suspiciously. After a moment he did let Dib up though, and stood brushing off his uniform sleeves and straightening the fabric fastidiously, ignoring Dib. Dib took the opportunity to take a few deep breaths. Then he extended his hand. “Let’s make a truce until we’re out of here.”

Zim quirked an eye at him suspiciously… but after a second, reached out and shook Dib’s hand with his claws. “A truce. For now! Don’t get complacent.” 

No concession without lots of posturing. But the truce agreed upon, the three of them moved together to have a little powwow in the middle of the room. Todd was clutching his bear to his chest and he’d cried a little while Zim and Dib were fighting, and the tear-tracks cut lines in the dirty on his grimy face, but he seemed all right enough now and Dib gave him an awkward hug before he dug out his digital camera.

He had a terrible feeling about the photos he’d taken since Zim had mentioned messages refusing to send, and as he flicked through the photos, his fears were confirmed: none of the photos he’d taken had made it. They were all glitched-out messes that could _maybe_ be construed to show pictures of the house, but messy, full of artifacts, deformed. If you used your imagination you could see faces and grasping hands in them, but no good pictures of the torture devices or even the weird shit around them. So there the three of them were in the gloom, no lights overhead but somehow still able to see when it should’ve been pure darkness in here, marooned, far from the surface, with no access to their technology.

It didn’t look good but somehow Zim showing up still made Dib feel more hopeful. 

“So,” he finally said, “I think that the best thing we can do here is keep looking for stairs that’ll take us up out of here. I mean, that’s kind of a long shot, I guess, but it’s the best I can think of right now! If we get up closer to the surface, that’s better than just being stuck down here.”

“Do you really think that will WORK, Dib?” Zim’s gaze darted back and forth anxiously; he couldn’t sit still. The place was really doing a number on him too, Dib realized. He was pretty high strung from the start though.

Well so was Dib. But he was used to this scary stuff.

“We’re being PULLED DOWNWARDS, Dib,” Zim continued, heedless of Dib’s thoughts. “We’re being DIGESTED. This place… rrr… as much as I hate to say it, it’s ALIVE. It _knows_ what your plan will be. It knows you want to run away. You little baby smeet child. _Rrrr._ ”

“What’s your suggestion, huh, space boy?” Dib finally snapped back.

“We go deeper. We kill it.” Zim bared his teeth. Dib stared.

Some part of him liked the idea. It would feel good to get back at this place. But… “Okay. Not that I don’t want this place to die. Believe me, I do. But… do you really think it’s possible for us to do that right now?”

“Why SHOULDN’T it be? _Rrrrr._ ” Did he even know he was making that noise? This weird noise ground out of whatever squishy nonhuman equivalent he had for lungs. “You and me, Dib! We make a truce for now. A truce to _destroy this place so hard_ , it’ll run back to its SPAWNER crying about how deep we lodged our boots in its seedflap!”

“It’s not just you and me,” Dib said delicately. “Todd’s here too. He can’t fight.”

“Don’t make EXCUSES, _Dib._ He can… tag along…” Zim waved a hand dismissively. He was totally fixated on whatever vision of military butt-kicking was infusing him. “Hold our lasers for us…”

“He’s a little kid, Zim, jeez! We can’t make him do that!”

“As if you’re more than a smeet yourself,” Zim sneered. But he did glance at Todd, who was standing there watching them fight with woobly eyes. Well, it wasn’t even a fight. It was more like a bicker, for them. “And it never stopped you…”

But some of the verve went out of his voice. Dib knew Zim had a weird weakness for sad, cute things. It always showed up when GIR was around, after all…

“Todd is a… civilian bystander,” Dib said. “We can’t drag him into this. I mean, more into this. We have to try and get him out. Look… if it doesn’t work, we’ll go with your method this time. I won’t complain. How about that?”

“ _Rrrr…_ Irkens don’t compromise.” 

But Zim had deflated somewhat from his high dudgeon and now he glared at Dib grouchily, but not with particular bile. Apparently this Irken would compromise, or maybe Dib was just special… augh, he couldn’t think too much about it now.

“My way for now?” Dib tried, raising his hands. Zim eyed him suspiciously. Then his ramrod posture deflated a little. He was as confused and lost and frantic as Dib was, at least, Dib would just bet. Zim didn’t do good with stuff like this.

“All right, human. We’ll go with your plan for now. But if things start to go wrong… we do it _my_ way.”

“Agreed,” Dib said shortly. He wasn’t in the mood for fighting right now, not with Zim. They just had to get out of this situation. A mess they were sharing, just like what had happened ten thousand times before.

Dib picked a direction at random and started them off. Todd walked behind him and Zim held up the rear, glancing around, tense with paranoia (it wasn’t paranoia when everything really was out to get you). The trudge. There was no more water. There was no more anything. The world on top might not even exist anymore. How long had they even been down here…?

He gave himself a light mental slap on both cheeks. Focus, Dib. Look for a way out.

Every limb felt heavy. He wanted to lie down and sleep right there on the floor. Take a long rest… what light there was dimmed. He could feel Todd and Zim close by more than he could see them, and they all just toiled along in silence. Even Zim was quiet…

He was so tired… so tired and they were all trapped. It was hopeless. The defender of earth was going to be eaten down here in the deeps and no one would ever know… he’d never eat pizza or drink the last soda and have Gaz get really mad at him again. He’d never have to endure being teased by the other skoolchildren or snarled at by Bitters ever again. Lie down. Rest for a while. Forever, maybe. He’d never have to listen to Membrane again: “My poor insane son…” in that disbelieving singsong… so disappointed…

He was on the ground. He felt asleep and the inside of his mouth tasted foul. “Muh,” he groaned. Someone was shaking him. Someone with four hands? “Ahhh!” Dib rolled away.

“He’s awake!” a familiar voice exclaimed. It was Todd. Dib sat up, blinking and beginning to breathe fast. 

“Guys?”

“You collapsed,” Zim snarled, scampering back away from Dib at once as if reluctant to even imply he’d helped shake him awake. “Are you DYING on us, human?”

“No.” He felt shock ringing through him like the last traces of an echo. An echo screamed into a cave… you never knew what you’d wake up when you screamed… but he shook his head. “I’m not dying. I think it tried to get me.”

That one was close, too. 

Even the knowledge that he was the only defender standing between Zim and world conquest hadn’t been enough to get him back on his feet. Dib shuddered. “Let’s just keep going,” he said, standing up and dusting himself off as best he could. Todd rested one hand on his knees – he still had the teddybear tucked under his other arm – and looked up at Dib. His eyes were a little watery.

“Stay where I can see you, _Dib_ ,” Zim growled. The wariness of an enemy but also, Dib thought, the alien would see him if he fell again. 

He _wasn’t_ going to fall again but he didn’t argue. The trio was walking again in short order.

-

The house was _sneaky_ and all of them put their heads down to keep going. The sound of Zim’s low growls, _rrrrrrr_ , purring out of his throat, became familiar. It wasn’t directed towards either human. Dib was familiar with his real eyes too, real eyes like jewels, and how they could blaze; his contacts didn’t quite capture that but they almost blazed too. Dib found himself wishing the alien would take of his disguise. The stupid wig, was by now even more cowlicked and terrible than usual, and the whites of the contacts were tinted pink. He just wanted to see what he knew was the reality. 

Zim growled, but Todd just got quieter and quieter. Limp strands of black hair stuck to his forehead. His gaze never left the floor and he never let go of his teddy bear. If Zim burned, Todd seemed to want to fade out of existence entirely. Like he was camouflaging himself with nothingness. Camouflage coloration, Dib thought, and wanted to laugh hysterically.

He started to sing instead. He sang five rounds of row, row, row your boat and Zim stopped with the snarling and stared at him like he was crazy instead. Todd stared at him too. Somehow that felt better. Dib sang until Zim cracked and said “Pick something _different_ , you little hambeast!”

“What about Irkens, Zim? Do Irkens have songs?”

“NO. We DON’T. Frivolities are for OTHER species.”

“Ha,” Dib said, briefly amused, “You didn’t deny you’re an Irken. And Todd’s right here.” Normally he’d care… so much more…

“Eh… that’s my – NATIONALITY. Like being SWEETISH… or FRENCH…”

“What’s Sweetish?” Todd wondered, and Dib laughed a tiny bit.

“I think he means Swedish.”

“That’s what I said, you little pupae.”

The place didn’t like their banter. The atmosphere surrounding them became even more oppressive and gloomy, the lines between things blurred. Zim and Todd were the only bright real things. Dib supposed they must have seen him the same way. He hoped so.

He sang a little more, in a dry, cracked voice. Some songs from the top forty. The national anthem, and a few other trite dumb songs they’d learned in school. The sense of oppression only increased. All the air squeezed out of the room. Dib stopped to breathe. It had been a long time since he’d seen anything, a wall, a table, a sink, a door. “Take off your disguise, Zim.”

“Always trying to expose me…” Zim muttered. “Zim this, Zim that… why does everything want to hurt Zim?” He sounded plaintive.

“I’m not,” Dib said, licking his dry lips. “Come on… just take it off…”

Zim made a noise deep in his throat. They all walked on. Dib stopped paying attention to where Zim’s hands were – always a mistake in the normal course of things, less important now – so he barely noticed when Zim lifted his hands. 

Off with the wig, first. His antennae popped up as if glad to be free, though then they drooped backwards right away like the ears of a tired dog. Then he pulled one contact out like bloop. Off of his eye it looked like a cutout of a white plastic grocery bag with a blue and black spot. His eyes shone luminous and red as raspberries in the darkness. Then out came the other contact until what trudged along with them was clearly an alien and not a human at all.

The sign of everything he’d always wanted to prove to the world. Dib felt a sudden weird sense of lightness in him. He was so glad… at least he’d seen this… if this was the end… “See, Todd?” he said carelessly. Todd glanced to the side, seeing. Zim made an angry noise but just kept walking with them, let them look.

“You are an alien,” Todd said. He’d known that already. Zim hissed, and then Todd went on: “Your eyes are pretty.”

Objectively speaking, for all that he was a horrible monster… Zim did have kinda pretty eyes. He looked confused, when Todd said that, anyway. It made Dib chuckle.

“Gotcha, space boy,” he said. He was still infused with lightness. Todd believed him. If they all died here earth would be safe… he didn’t want to die… and he didn’t want Zim to die… but if they all died here it’d be all right… at least they’d go together…

“Hey,” Todd said suddenly, “what’s that?”

Dib looked ahead abruptly and felt his jaw drop. “Holy… crap…” And Zim looked too and made an eager noise because –

Ahead of them there were _stairs._

Just a normal-looking set of stairs, the wood grey and lusterless like everything else in this place. What was around them? Dib’s brain went funny when he tried to look too hard. Where did they go? _Up_. That was, exactly where the three of them needed to go. “C’mon!” Dib said, all at once buoyed up. He picked up the pace a little bit and Todd and Zim did too, scampering after him, all of them eager to be on the stairs. None of them _paying attention_ but there, there, there they were, too good a chance to pass up. “C’mon,” Dib said again. His smile felt funny and his eyes leaked a little. But his first foot on the stairs felt so, so good. Then they were all climbing and he felt _better._ Thank you, thank you, there is a God, Dib thought.

They climbed. The stairs didn’t make a sound, not even a creak. They climbed and climbed. Dib’s breath tore at his throat. They climbed more. Must’ve been high now. Fast track to the top, Dib thought deliriously. Fast track. Fast track. Wait, what? They were all still going and going, one grunting, wheezing group taking step after step together.

There are more things in heaven and earth, Dib thought suddenly, then exist in your philosophy. There are more things in heaven and earth then exist. His chest burned. How long had they been climbing? Where were they even _going?_ The first three stairs, he had the idea of that. Nothing behind… nothing around…

Stop, he thought. Then another try, before the words would come out of his mouth: “Stop, guys!”

Zim put his foot down on the next step and then he screamed.

He screamed long and loud and one hard burst of noise, like a steam whistle. It stopped Dib dead too, to cover his ears and try to yell: “Stop, Zim!” But the Irken just screamed and screamed and then leaped backwards – he was going to go tumbling down the stairs and probably break his stupid alien neck – Dib leaped to catch him without thinking. But Zim just fell onto nothing and suddenly that’s where they all were, in the deepening nothing, in the deepening black, the only place they’d ever been, the eons of space and darkness between molecules, neutrons, protons, and electrons. A darkness with _teeth_ in it.

They were at the top of the stairs.

They had reached their destination.

It was Dib’s turn to grab Zim and hold onto him hard, just so the alien wouldn’t go sailing away. Don’t want to lose that spark of life to this. Don’t give this anything. Todd grabbed onto him too.

The vastness of the universe was all around them but the universe had always been more darkness than form. More nothing than something. More hostile to life than loving of it.

They’d come to the end of things at last. Over the stars! Dib stared out into the darkness and felt crushed by the awesome weight of it and – and something in the distance that circled around them like a hungry jaguar circling a bonfire –

Zim twitched and made noises like he was trying to vomit. Dib clung onto him. “You dumb alien,” he whispered through parched lips. “I hate you so much.” And he just clung tighter. “Todd, I’m so sorry…”


	7. in which there is a dookiesplosion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've taken this fic through three foreign countries with me: I started it before I went to South Korea, I worked on it in Chile, and now I'm near to finishing it in Thailand. Not counting its presence in my life in the states. Quite a travel history, huh?

...

I AM ZIM!

Rrgh… everything is wrong right now! I feel sick SICK sick and everything is terrible, I don’t like this place. It’s all DIB’S fault. DIB! Why did I follow him? I just knew he was plotting _something_. I hate it when he’s not RIGHT WHERE I CAN SEE HIM and where I can pay attention to EVERYTHING HE’S DOING! And where he’s paying attention to everything I’m doing. Stupid smeet should just stay where I can see him…

… if he’d stayed where I could see him neither of us would be in this mess.

Why am I on the ground? What am I DOING?

Dib all clinging and making weepy noises. I hate it but, rrrr, I have BIGGER problems right now. He can cling for the moment! And that other little smeet right there too. I can IGNORE HIM!

Something’s wrong with me.

Something’s wrong with my pak.

Something’s wrong with both things? That’s so… IMPOSSIBLE! There can’t be anything wrong with ME but there is. Somehow.

Something fighting with the pak? I’m getting all kinda… rrrr… crazy readouts here. Nonresponsive neural connectors and messages about a foreign signal. Electricity going all wonky. _Query: diagnose problem?_ And all I get is _Response: unknown interference from a foreign body._ There sure is something CRAZY going on in this house, and it’s not JUST Dib!

_Command: fix it! Whatever it is, just FIX IT!_

_Response: attempting solution…  
Response: no solution found.  
Response: reporting problems to Irken PAK directory #938475.23-34 ___

__No no no NO NO NO!_ _

___Response: problems cannot be reported_ _ _

__Ugh, _good._ The last thing I need is the Empire getting wind of this and getting all worried! Zim STILL has this under control! No problems here!_ _

__I start sending commands of my own. Just have to do this MANUALLY--!! Hrrr, what first? WELL I don’t need a stimulant, that’s for sure! Just need to… clear my head a little… the pak dumps a relaxant into my body, and I feel cooler all of a sudden. Meatbody going all floppy. Ugh, Dib’s still holding onto me. Makes a cracked little wheezing noise. Heh, maybe he thinks I died._ _

__That’s right, CRY FOR ZIM! Or… something. Whatever. I’m busy. Now I can think a little better. Hrrr. Being calm is nice, all chilly and hard to move. I’m tired. I want some fun-dip and a soda… no, no, think about this…_ _

__Hmmm. Those signals keep coming in from outside. They’re weird. Hard to trace. Someone’s trying to hack me?! That’s what it feels like. Haha, FOOL! You can’t hack an Irken PAK! Nobody could! Best security in the galaxy! Yep, yep… it’s holding up to the signal. No problems there. I’ve just got to get out of here… eh… I GUESS I can take these two smeets with me. Tiny human babies. Ugh, they’re as sticky and gross as the big ones. I sit up. “DIB! Cease your whining!” He falls backwards onto his butt. Heheh. I guess he really did think I was dead._ _

__Hrrr, this place is TERRIBLE! And it looks… funny. It’s looked pretty funny for a while. All grey and weird and fuzzy all around. I can hear deep growls coming from… somewhere. Somewhere close. It could be the ground settling or it could be something here… EH._ _

__Personally I’m gonna go with the LATTER. The DIB might be able to tell me some things about what’s going on here, with all his paranooormal jibjab, but EH. His mouth is all wobbly and he looks pretty WORTHLESS right now! It’s my job to take care of this, as USUAL._ _

__All kinds of bad memories and bad things whirling up in my brain. This is HARD. Ugh, what’s WRONG with this place? “We’re being telepathically attacked!” I tell the meatbabies. Okay, they might have figured that out. The other smeet looks all sad, clinging to Dib. Ugh, I hate tiny sad things, can’t STAND it! Why do you have to be so small and hopeless, tiny human?_ _

__Okay! Have to FOCUS!_ _

__“DIB!” Just one the off chance he can actually be helpful here… eh… “What’s doing this?”_ _

__“I don’t know,” he says meekly, all soft and obedient. Well, GOOD! “It’s… I dunno… my meters have all been going off for ages… I’ve been… remembering things…”_ _

__It’s influencing both of us the same way? WEIRD. Hmm… MMM. “We’re underground,” I say. Think think! “We’re deep… EHHH…”_ _

__Maybe I can use that._ _

__Miles of tunnels away from the light all full of black-brown-green sludge and… CREATURES… rattling around in there… there’s something wrong with this city. _Rrrrr._ What thinking species sets up conditions like that?!_ _

__Gotta get out of the meatbody… into the PAK-brain. Where everything’s cold and logical and nice… RRR there’s not even a floor underneath us anymore. What a DISASTER! I sure hope these children are grateful that ZIM’S around._ _

__“Well, okay!” Time to get to work! Feels all crackly and wrong… spots dancing in front of my eyes… hurts a little… but. Oooh, yes, my PAK’s right there. Impossible to get a signal outside, INFURIATING!! But it’ll listen to me, oooh yes… kind of…_ _

__Whip out some of the fancy stuff. Never use this on the Dib, heh! It’d blow his little squishbody into JELLY… heh heh… he looks all green and sick. “ZIM will fix it,” I tell him. “You can thank me LATER by handing over your miserable planet!”_ _

__He’s never gonna do THAT… but it’s nice to think about… hrrr…_ _

__Lasers streak out yes good cracking like lightning but, this place is so WRONG, they just flicker in the dark like the sky and don’t illuminate anything, shadows and a space that makes no SENSE, makes the PAK’s processors heat up and my meatbrain tickle. Ugh, now comes the FIRE and the DOOM… no no no, not now! Don’t think about that now! HWWRRrrrr it’s trying to MAKE me think about it. No one MAKES Zim do anything! Awful thing!_ _

__More lasers. Lasers make everything better. Two humans clutching each other. That’s right, cower before this SUPERIOR BEING! More lasers off into the dark - !! There’s gotta be SOMETHING around here for them to hit… I’m gonna SHOW this thing what happens to things that try to trap ZIM!_ _

__Oooh, ooh, look at that. You think you’re a SCARY thing, huh? PAK is dumping more calmers into my bloodstream, hoo, that’s good. Lookit all those TEETH and all those eyes, EH… I’m pretty SURE they’re eyes…_ _

__YEAH YEAH, that sure is SCARY. Hoooo! But you’re NOTHING compared to the pure BOWEL-LOOSENING SCARINESS of the _Irken Elite!_ Who’s the Irken elite, you say? Heh. That’s _me!_ _ _

__Surprised? You shouldn’t be._ _

__Ehhh it’s really _trying_ to get its claws _in_ here… all those things from ages ago, blowing up the homeworld – that was OKAY IN THE END, WASN’T IT – and all those problems – it’s not MY fault, the universe just likes to watch Zim struggle! There’s gotta be a world out there somewhere… smelly, horrible planet earth would be a nice change compared to this! I KNOW it exists._ _

__“DIB! Think about your stupid planet! What do you LIKE about it?”_ _

__He goes _huh??_ but I shouldn’t have to say it twice! He’s all shiny and sweaty. Tiny little white-faced larvae. Then his face screws up tight. Yeah, he BETTER be thinking. Everything is going a little squishy down here. I dunno if that’s my imagination or Dib’s ideas tickling my antennae. Tiny little birds in bright colors that zip around – WOAH, I didn’t know earth had those – and the view of the stars from planetside – heh, you can get NICER views out _there_ , smeetling – okay, that’s a START!_ _

__Tallest but there is SO MUCH BADNESS too. Ugh! How can there be so much? All the lines going squishy I can feel it too, smeets laughing and being kicked around, don’t trust ANYONE or you’ll be so utterly DOOMED you won’t even know what hit you--!_ _

__UGH. More lasers! Hrrr, everything’s flickering, is that my brain or is that the world? That thing is screeching, bad nasty noise, it doesn’t like it, well GOOD. Suck it up, Zim doesn’t like this miserable planet! If you don’t like it so much then LEAVE. I sure could go for some curly fries now, or some EAT!!!! CHINESE!!!!, that’d be the nicest… ugh what must GIR be doing to the base right now? I better get HOME or I’m sure I’ll get there and it’ll be in RUINS or he’ll have ordered six hundred pizzas AGAIN-!_ _

__More of that horrible roar-screaming oh you don’t like it when I DON’T think about you, huh? Well, I have more IMPORTANT things to be doing them feeding myself to a STUPID! HORRIBLE! HOUSE! So get back into your PIT and let Zim _go.__ _

__Oh yeah and the humans can come too. I _guess._ Dibbbbb you owe me _all_ of your organs for this hrrRRRr!_ _

__Are we two places at once? Can’t be. The universe doesn’t work like _that-!_ But this house is a _weird_ kinda place… we’re deep deep I can feel it. We’re somewhere grey and hungry and empty wet but it was just a house to start with and it had staircases and rooms and sinks and… _walls.__ _

__This BETTER work soon because, ehhh, if I have to keep shooting lasers like this we’re _really_ all going to be made into curly fries. Eurgh._ _

__Fat beams of light as big around as tree trunks flicker into the nothing again and – it’s a little LESS nothing? Somehow? HUH. We’re on a FLOOR now, I _think_ , and there’s rumbling in the distance and also there’s a spreading _stink._ _ _

__Ugh. UGH. It’s terrible._ _

__“What – what is that?” It’s the Dib. The color of sour cream, white and kinda YELLOW, ehh. Gross. Looking at me all scared._ _

__I grin! No need to be afraid. Right now. Maybe. Even though there are purring growls coming out of the dark all around us – DETAILS! “It’s _dooky_ , Dib.”_ _

__“It’s – what?” Lookit him, stumbling to his feet. Poor smeet, I could almost feel sorry for him if he wasn’t DIB. Bask in my amazingness!_ _

__“DOOKY!”_ _

__“What – where are you getting DOOKY?” His eyes spaz out, looks like his little brain is gonna POP… that’d be a REAL MESS, eurgh! THIS is gonna be a real mess. _EURGH._ But if it gets us outta here, whatever!_ _

__“From the sewers, Diiib,” I say, letting my voice get all long and patronizing. He hates that. Even when he’s scared silly he hates that, ha yes get mad Dib. Now he staggers towards me, reaches out for my shoulders. Okay yes Dib you can do that. For now._ _

__“Where are you getting SEWERS?” Yeesh, this thing has REALLY messed with his head._ _

__“I KNOW you’re smarter than that, Dib… we’re underground and that’s where sewers ARE.” DUH._ _

__Smells real bad here now. Dib drops me and goes back to get his little smeet friend, eh, whatever his name is. Squee seems like a good name for that kid. Ha ha. Squee pipes up: “Where are we gonna go?”_ _

__Eh… hmmm._ _

__“Let’s run,” I say._ _

__“ _Where?_ God, you’re just, just the worst – “ says Dib._ _

__“ANYWHERE.” And I start running. Get with it, smeets, anywhere is better than here!_ _

__They run after me! Dib has a grip on Squee’s arm, pulling him along. Squee has some furry cuddle construction crammed under his arm, hideous grinning bear thing, looks like something GIR would like. Uh--! I could be _glad_ to see GIR right now, that’s what this place has done to me! Run run run – ooh. Oo _oooh_ that thing doesn’t _like_ us running, it never liked us moving did it, or making noise, never! _ _

__Well, too BAD. I can see it real good now. The kiddy things can too, can hear Dib yelling… something. Who cares. Not ME when I can see all those teeth and… flesh protuberances and eyes and eyes and TEETH –_ _

__Rrrr _rrrRRR_ I hate it, hate it! It won’t be a day too soon when things like that are obliterated from EXISTENCE!_ _

__All this BAD STUFF is coming off it in waves too. Whrrr that’s not nice – I don’t like to feel that! All these thoughts like _you are a failure give up already_ and _there’s not a world to go back to_ and _give up, give up and let me have you you are mine you are mine **YOU ARE MINE** \- no no just keep running, it can’t chase FOREVER! Rrr it STINKS in here worse and worse and it’s getting all around us, outrunning us, why doesn’t anything look DIFFERENT? Dib is yelling: “Zim, you idiot, that didn’t help at all! You made it worse!” Something is cracking open in my brain or in my PAK or going cold – rrgh, tickles, hurts. I grab my antennae and I PULL hard at least that’s a distraction.__ _

___“SHUT UP, DIB!”_ _ _

___“Now what do we do?!” Got his little arms around Squee, stepping closer to me, we’re walled in and it STINKS the worst ever. Rrrr, there’s not much _standing room_ for us… all that flesh and horror swirling around us… Squee got his little face smashed against Dib’s chest. UGH. At least my brainmeats feel cleaned out inside, that’s SOMETHING._ _ _

___Not if I can’t think of a plan though. THINK! Maybe more _lasers_ will do the job--?_ _ _

___The _floor_ is shaking under us. Okay I didn’t think that through just maybe – but if we DIE we won’t be food for this thing! It’s up to ME to fix everything, as usual, so I crouch and my pak hatches open up. Four silver legs still sharp, I know I can count on THOSE to do some slicing and dicing! The stink is stronger than ever… looking for a weak point on this thing makes my brain turn inside _out…__ _ _

___The floor cracks. Like hot lava breaking open the ground, hhrrrrr, except the gloop is brown and _filthy_ and the stink is worse than ever. Lucky us, we’re all on one raft of intact floor together. Can hear Dib _gagging…_ don’t throw up, don’t throw up, gotta outdo the _human…_ now we’re swaying back and forth – do fluid dynamics even WORK like this? I DUNNO. My AMAZING brain is having a little trouble pulling up the facts I’d need to say that. Must be radiation or something! The Dib better check himself out with a Giggle Counter or whatever it is these humans use to detect those things when he gets out…  
On the bright side it looks like that thing is _sinking_ into this nasty mire. Euurgh, I’m not jealous one bit. Look at that spike lifting – is that chitin or bone or just claw I can’t tell – and striking at us _whoosh_. No solid foundation _eurgh_ could this situation possibly get _worse_ but I strike back and the little chip of wood or conceptualized nothingness or _whatever_ that we’re on bobs away._ _ _

___That chitin just glances off the metal of my pak. Warning strike but it _screams and screams with the tortured shrill of strained metal -_ GAHHH – this is beyond terrible! I can feel it in my _spooch_ , all the way down deep. If that thing doesn’t shove us into the welling _raw sewage_ it’ll make us into a _shish kabob_ first. That sounds DELICIOUS, but it’s not for ZIM!_ _ _

___“DIB!” UGH. “This is ALL YOUR FAULT!”_ _ _

___“Wh-what? It is NOT!”_ _ _

___“Yes it IS! I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you!” UGH it’s winding up to strike AGAIN and look at his stupid mouth flapping and his awful weird eyes staring –_ _ _

___“YOU’RE the one who decided to follow me!”_ _ _

___“Please stop fighting,” the smeetiest of us all finally pipes up. “I don’t wanna die.” Got his little hands over his ears and his eyes all drippy. I HATE it when things cry but if it keeps smelling like this I might cry!_ _ _

___“Oh, God,” Dib is looking up too, ugh, don’t do that, why, “Please – God – if you can do something about that thing Zim I’ll take it all back. I don’t wanna die. Oh _God._ ”_ _ _

___“I’m WORKING on it Dib! Help me out here!” Ughhh I’m getting seasick. Sewage-sick. SOMETHING sick as we sway back and forth and that THING winds up for another strike. Arrgh we’re so DOOMED. I try for GIR again and nothing – nothing – just gotta shoot and cut and shoot and cut!_ _ _

___Ha it hits at me again and glances off of me and our little dirt raft bobs away. There’s all kinds’a muck around us now, nas-ty, but it’s good! Means that thing can’t _quite_ pin us down. Time for a _laser_ again! Ha, got you _that_ time and it screams again all bubbling and long._ _ _

___The real world is coming back? But it _isn’t_ coming back? It’s _bigger_ in here then it should be, I can tell that much. The three of us on a spinny little raft that floats on mucky brown-black-green and the big thing, the monster, mired down and all around us. This house is really BIG. Or we’re really small? My brain still tickles… almost tip off the edge of the raft no no NO and four hands grab the back of my shirt, pull me down. Right after that Dib leans over and pukes into the muck. Eugh, it didn’t need that. _No one_ needed that. _ _ _

___“Well,” he says all weebly, once he’s done vomiting, “What do we do now?”_ _ _

___“Wait and be quiet while I kill this thing!”_ _ _

___“It looks all different now…” Squee crawls to the edge of the raft. The big thing lolls in the sewage, a sound blowing out from it like a creaky tree. Maybe it has us. Or maybe it’s tired OUT. “Is that good?”_ _ _

___“I dunno,” Dib says. “But we’re not dead yet so I’m gonna go with maybe yes.” He spits in the gunk all around. I hate waiting, but I’ll WAIT for now. Time to shoot that thing again soon._ _ _

___“We made it different,” Dib says. “It had us right where it wanted us, I think. Now we’re in a different place. That… _has_ to be a good thing. Right? We changed things. Right?”_ _ _

___Time again! Read – aim – FIRE! And lasers stripe the sky, crackling towards the monster sunk in the mire. It illuminates - _nothing_. Kinda. The humans keep moving around now, the raft rocks back and forth – BLUGH! “You little pupae, do you want to turn us all over into that muck?!” _ _ _

___Of course, I say it and then Squee’s ursine toy thing tips head over heels into the gloop with a _blurp_ as the only noise to mark its passage. He stares after it, opens his mouth and lets out the tiniest squeak._ _ _

___“OH, you two are worse than GIR! And I don’t know how that’s _possible!_ ”_ _ _

___“Crap, crap,” says Dib. Not paying attention! _Rrrrr!_ I hate it! He’s crawling over to Squee instead, looking all worried. “Crap. Ugh, okay, hold onto my coat.” And he leans out over the poop swamp like an idiot, reaching. I dart a pakleg down and flip him back like a baby._ _ _

___“DIB! What do you think you’re doing? Don’t stink up the boat with that!”_ _ _

___“In case you haven’t noticed, _Zim_ , it already reeks on here!”_ _ _

___“I DIDN’T notice! It must be because of YOUR smell!”_ _ _

___“SHUT UP! Quit yelling at me and… and… keep shooting that _thing!_ ”_ _ _

___I HATE it when the little slime gasket is right. URGH, but this is one of those times, since we all have BIGGER things to be worrying about. _Bloop, bloop,_ goes the dookie swamp. That fuzz monster is long gone. Our raft rocks back and forth. Uh-oh. _Uh-oh._ I don’t like _that._ The dirt children clutch at the greasy wood of our raft. I ride it out. All this nasty slime is definitely MOTIVATIONAL! I wouldn’t want to fall in _there.__ _ _

___“Shmee,” Squee whispers. His lower lip is bouncing up and down. _Ugh_ , oh no, he’s going to cry, I can just smell it. “Shmee.” And he reaches for the mire. Dib pushes him back, trying to keep his balance and put a leash on his baby human at the same time. _ _ _

___“It’s okay,” he says all strained. “It’s just a bear. I’ll… you can get another one! It’s okay, don’t put your hands in that…”_ _ _

___Something _weird_ is happening in the dooky swamp now._ _ _

___It’s getting all… ripply… it’s _moving._ Urrgh I thought I wouldn’t notice it anymore but now there are just _waves and waves_ of _pure stench_ hitting all of us right in the face… _uuuurgh…__ _ _

___That thing makes up a whole landscape of limbs and polyps and rolling eyeballs now and it makes a sick gurgle. It’s up to the neck in dookie with us, there’re no wood scraps around now, and a wave of sewage rolls us high up and higher. If it’s flooding--!_ _ _

___“I don’t think I’ll ever smell anything again,” Dib says tonelessly. His squee friend curls up on the raft and whines and whimpers._ _ _

___“This is ALL according to my plan, humans! We’ll ride the DOOKIE FLOOD right out of here!”_ _ _

___“You are crazy,” Dib says, but I don’t hear him coming up with a BETTER idea!_ _ _

___Something is happening in this horrible sea of dookie. It’s swirling and churning like my sickening squeedily spooch, but I think… yes… internal gyroscopes say yes… we are going UP! There is an up to go to!_ _ _

___And something is forming in the distance. A fog bank? Squinting towards it… ehh… those are the WEIRDEST clouds I’ve ever seen… towering up and up… coalescing into big shapes. If this is some kind of last-resort attack I swear--!_ _ _

___Dib comes crawling up to the edge of the raft. I can’t even smell his child-stink under this filthy mess, don’t like that either. Have to track him visually. I can’t wait to be out of here. “Zim,” he says, coughing, looking so-so sick still, “do you see that? Can you tell what it is?” Squee smeet comes crawling after him and clings._ _ _

___“Move back, dirt babies, we’ll tip this raft over!” And I make my own step back first. Someone’s gotta keep their head through this! Levels of relaxant in my bloodstream going down, down, I can feel everything squeezing and pulsing at double-time now, hrr, but it’s not as bad as it was. Pak legs still wavering in the air but that thing hasn’t struck at us yet so I must’ve got it! I must’ve… can’t WAIT to see GIR again and sit on the couch and eat pizza…_ _ _

___“I think it’s Shmee,” Squee says in a tiny piping voice. “It’s making a bear shape.”_ _ _

___“Are you sure?” Of COURSE, there’s DIB, annoyingly playing the sceptic as usual. Blinking his watery eyes and pushing his glasses up. “He was just a stuffed bear…”_ _ _

___“No… no… he was different… he was magic or something…”_ _ _

___How can it be? But it DOES look like one of those scary human teddy beasts, standing up higher and higher, keeping up with us, at the same time as the disgusting thing surrounding us sinks into the mire. It SCREAMS, it gurgles, it does both at once, but it’s getting further away. Are we getting off scot-free? REALLY? HAH!_ _ _

___That bear shape is really coming in close now though. If I have to fight that too so help me!_ _ _

___No no, it leans down over us, some kind of cloud, some kind of glowing flicker, the humans tipping their heads back too, all of us looking, all of us hanging our jaws open. All of us dumb worms together. And that hanging cloud makes a face with two glowing candle-lit eyes and two round ears and a grin big enough to swallow all of us._ _ _

___“Hey there, kids,” it booms. Its voice is an echo. A distant roar. My antennae flatten to my head but I can still hear it, rrgh, on the _inside._ Like it flattens all of us out in just a word. How I HATE that! How I HATE feeling so small._ _ _

___“You made it this time,” the voice carries on, roaring, storming, not on us this time. “I’ll take it from here. Hey! Squee-boy!”_ _ _

___From the tiny human smeet, the tiniest waver of a terrified squeak comes from his wet throat._ _ _

___“Good job, kiddo!” says that great, horrible voice. “Why don’tcha try taking it alone from here? Well, you’ve got these guys, anyway! Try letting some of the badness out some other way! This is the last time I’ll save your butt. So, get going!”_ _ _

___Wherever we were, wherever we are, whatever was holding us back, it’s gone now. The dookie is rising and rising and rising and everything that was chasing and hunting us is falling far far behind and I’m falling to my knees too, clinging to the wood raft with the smeets, them screaming, me screaming, we’re all gonna end up so so so _filthy-!__ _ _

___\--_ _ _

___The explosion took out precisely two houses in the city: a dingy, unoccupied shack, small from the outside, and the neighboring home, occupied by a couple who’d have claimed themselves childless if asked, and who both spent most of their time in front of the television. The hovel would have been of significant interest to any officers who managed to maintain their concentration throughout investigating the basement and digging up the front lawn, the house less so, though the tunnel leading from the basement of one to the other would have caused some remark._ _ _

___Otherwise, the neighborhood was covered in a fine mist of sewage. Every window, even the little ones, were tinted brown until the homeowners scrubbed them down. The smell was simply not to be mentioned. Where the run-down shack had recently occupied a lot, there appeared to be only a mysterious wellspring of filth running over the brown lawn and slowly flooding the street._ _ _

___It was a matter of seconds before the immediate neighbor over called emergency services, and ambulances, fire engines, and policemen converged on the scene. You never knew what you’d get when someone called in a sewer emergency, in this town._ _ _

___Finding two young children – one of whom had only recently scooted out of the way of the cold gaze of the public – was relatively unsurprising, all things considered._ _ _

___Of a red-eyed green-skinned monster from outer space, there was nothing to say. He was jetting home on the back of his trusty robot, growling and snarling to said robot about his incompetence and exactly what the consequences would be if the base was not in one piece._ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> The rating and warnings on this fic will likely change as chapters progress. Just so everyone knows.
> 
> Commentary on characterization, spelling, or anything that strikes you: it's all welcome! Please lay it on me.


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